B*%@H I Have Issues…

“I’m not going to use the B word. I just call y’all unstable creatures.” If you have ever watched the movie Baby Boy you know exactly what I’m talking about. The more I am becoming in touch, or untouched, with my feelings I’m starting to believe that this statement is true. In three days I swear it’s so possible for me to experience six different emotions. One moment I am extremely happy and running through a field of flowers and the next I’m angry and wanting to light some sh*t on fire. In the past year I have been going through some emotional changes and I would like to actually think of it as growing pains. I’m having pains while growing….

I think it comes a point in every woman’s life when you experience a lot of unstable emotions. One minute I want to be in love and the next I don’t even want to be touched. One moment I want to be mentally stimulated and have an intellectual conversation and the next I just want my back blown out and no other words besides “do you have a rubber?” are needed. When I wake up in the morning I could be happy about possibly finding love and staying hopeful because I know it’s out there and by dinner time I want to cry because I am wondering why love hasn’t found me yet. At times I feel in control and empowered and others I feel like I need Iyanla Vanzant to come fix my life. I find myself getting so upset and in an uproar for some of the smallest things. I found myself wanting to slap the hell out of someone because I held the door open for them and they didn’t say “thanks”. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb and ready to explode over nothing at times. When things don’t go my way my attitude becomes horrible and I have a little pouting session. I feel like a little kid who acts out because I want attention and when I get over the feeling of wanting the spotlight and things to go my way I feel ashamed and wrong for how I acted. I’m starting to learn how your mouth and words are a dangerous weapon because when I am hurting I find myself saying hurtful things to others (men in particular). I guess the saying is true…hurt people hurt people. I just want to get it right. I am waiting and ready for the day when I finally have it together. I think that is what hurts the most, the fact that I thought I had it all together then to find out that I don’t. Because of my pain and hurt and the way that I am handling it, I find that it is hard for me to be a good friend. I consider myself a loyal and dependable friend but I am feeling that I haven’t been the best friend lately. To all of my true friends out there I am sorry if you have seen some changes in me and in some way, form or fashion it hurt you too. With my emotions constantly changing I thought I was creeping up on some mental condition until I finally came to this conclusion…

I am approaching a stage in my life where I am at a point of self-reflection. I am now forced to face my mistakes of the past and its consequences, my fears and life’s changes. I now know that some things are inevitable and you cannot run from it. To be real I have some underlying issues. Some issues I have never dealt with and others I didn’t know I had. Because I do not have a grip on what I am experiencing I lash out instead. A lot of my anger stems from the issues I have had with men and how my insecurities got me into situations I had no business being in. The way I deal with guys and the conflicted emotions that I have when it comes to love comes from my past and a place of hurt. Because of the fact that I do not know where I stand and what I really want it reflects when I am interacting with guys. It is easy for me to float from one emotion to the next. I am going through some turbulence right now but soon I will get it right. Right now it all starts and ends with me…

Yours Truly,

The Single B*tch

I Am In Love With Her Man…

Judge me if you want but we all have been in some positions that we aren’t proud of. There are a lot of things that I wish I can change when it comes to love and men and one of those things is being in love with her man. I wish controlling who you have feelings for were as easy as turning a light switch on and off. I never understood how falling in love is so easy but falling out of it is so hard.

See I’m currently trying to let him be happily ever happy with who he is currently with but sitting here with the long-lasting memories won’t let me. Firstly let me be clear, we currently do not have anything to do with each other but I can’t get him off my mind. At certain times I think of nothing but him. The summer time, any other man who is a cancer, the month of June, Versace cologne and the scent of cigars reminds me of him. We have a history that many may not know about or those who do may not understand. I feel like what we have is unfinished and the chapter isn’t closed. I swear that I have the worst luck when it comes to the department of love. It’s like I can never have who or what I want. It’s not the fact that he is with her that bothers me. What bothers me is the fact that he isn’t with me because he feels that he can’t be. When it comes to love you can’t have any pride. I am not sure if you all knew this or not but pride never helps it only hurts. I am a woman and I know how it feels to be hurt so my goal is to not see her hurt but when I am feeling what I am feeling I don’t have her in mind. I can be honest, I know I am selfish but hell I just want to be happy. I know that life isn’t over yet but I’m wondering how much longer do I have to wait. I don’t want to wait until the next lifetime when we are butterflies or for us to come back as an older Asian couple. I want him now while I am me and he is him. What gives me some type of comfort at night is that I know that he thinks of me too. He and I have been through so much, the situations that we have made it through makes us close. We have a connection. It feels like we are light years away because I can’t see him but for some odd reason I can feel him. What I don’t understand is how you can live life with someone else when you know that deep inside you desire someone who isn’t her. Maybe it is just me but I know she can’t give him what I can. She can’t deal with his ups and downs like I will. He doesn’t need a yes woman, he needs the best woman…ME.

I am pretty sure I will meet someone else who can make me very happy but the only person I want is him. I don’t want a little d*%k on the side, I don’t want a little trip to the bar and I don’t want a text now and then. I want all of him or none of him at all. I don’t want to get the lust while she is getting love or getting nightcaps when she is getting a date night in watching movies and laying in his lap. if he didn’t have a girlfriend I can honestly say that I would accept him and whatever came with him because I wouldn’t have to worry about another woman or feel used because I would have no one for him to compare me to. Believe me I know that I can have any other man but right now what I want is in her hands…

-The Single B*tch

 

 

Everyone Has an Addiction…Mine is Him

Besides the fact that I pop coca cola open like I change underwear I never had any other addiction until I met him. I never thought it was possible to be addicted to someone until he entered into my life. Something as enjoyable as the feeling that you get from someone you are so into should not be so destructible. In this case I don’t even think I considered what my heart said because your mind takes over everything that you’re feeling whether if it is wrong or right. What is strange is that as much as your mind takes over I used no logic when it came to him…there was no such thing as common sense.

During my addiction to him I didn’t know if I was in love, lust or if he was just breaking me off like no other. If I could I would be stuck in a house with him for days and wouldn’t stop until I got enough. Of course I would need my time away from him so I could come down but as soon as my high wore off I would need him right back with me again. It’s like I was doing something that I had no business doing, I couldn’t tell anyone about him because I was afraid that I would be judged. The attraction between us was so real it’s like a magnetic force field is between us and we couldn’t stay away. He was my drug, my habit and my dealer. When I was wrapped up in him it’s like I was floating on cloud 9 and I couldn’t come down, in fact I didn’t want to. He had me hooked, dependent and I couldn’t kick him.

Ladies I had to check myself into an imaginable a$$ rehab to get my mind right!!! When I think about it…I think I was in love with him but more than anything he was all I knew. I felt comfortable with him. I needed to see what life was like without having him there all the time. I could no longer depend on him. To be honest I do not want to go through life without having him somewhere in the mix but I needed to kick my habit. Every now and again I still find myself fiending for him…I just need a taste. I can’t even lie…I just need one more hit…or three 🙂

-The Single B*tch

Being Comfortable Outside of Your Comfort Zone

Being comfortable has to be the most dangerous and worse thing that you can do when being involved with someone. Especially when something or someone does not belong to you it never lasts forever. See a person can flip the script overnight and what was will never be again. Or it could be that his life takes a turn down a new path in life and now you are left alone

Not that I live by the zodiac sign but see I am a Taurus and I like routine and comfort. I do not like surprises or being deviated from what I am use to. Just how I like structure in everyday life, I like comfort and structure with the men I have in my life as well. Being single, but still having needs, I do have someone that I am familiar with that I call (or text because I am not a phone person) when I want some company. Recently he told me that he is moving out of state and naturally I felt some type of way. This guy never played a huge part in my life but nevertheless he had a part and that part was still very instrumental to me. He was like that favorite t-shirt that you love to sleep in but it has a hole or the first car you had that probably wasn’t the greatest but it’s nothing like it and you always want to make sure it is okay. There is nothing more comfortable than being inside your comfort zone but you have to realize that at any moment things can change. What do you do when all that you know is no longer? Who do you call when you need someone to tell you the right things? How can you be fulfilled when he can no longer be your fulfillment? But I am learning…

The bottom line of it all is that you only have yourself in the end. Not that I do not know how to feel comfortable being alone but having something around that is familiar feels good. There are pros to being comfortable with someone but there are cons as well. As I think about this more…I think being without my comfort blanket is good for me. I am at a point in my life where I may look like I have it all together but by no means do I at all. I think that losing something that I can depend on is giving me a chance for growth…and I need it.

Being HIS “Baby Mama”

I can’t express how much I hate the term “baby mama” but to be quite honest if you have never been married and you have a child by someone that is all that you will be referred to as. For me being a baby mama has been one of the hardest titles that I have had to withhold. On this post I am not describing my position as a mother to a child but being the mother of HIS child in relation to the father. As I mature, grow and as I become older I tend to think a lot differently when it comes to being his child’s mother.

Okay so maybe it is just me but being a baby mama has so many negative connotations and views. When thought of most people on the outside probably think we are full of drama, selfish, loud, ungrateful, hateful and bitter and in some cases that is so far from the truth. I have been co-parenting for 6 years and to be real it works when you have two mature adults who know that the child comes first but because the situation may seem amicable and calm does not mean that I am happy. When it comes to being the mother of his child I feel that you come to many obstacles that are seen and unseen. What hurts the most for me is that I sometimes feel that your plight, strength, value and emotions go unnoticed and not taken into consideration. Sometimes I get so tired of always trying to do the right thing or thinking with logic instead of emotions. Sometimes I do not want to be understanding, strong or compromising. Why can I not just give a damn sometimes instead of caring or being concerned. It’s like I am so immune to doing what I have to do and going through the motions that I feel that I can’t feel anything…I have to be numb. I feel that there are so many double standards when being his “baby mama”. It is ok for the man to speak on how he feels and take matters into his own hands because that’s what a man is supposed to do. As a woman if I speak out loud about how I feel or think I am petty, bitter, mad, jealous, a hater or being controlling. I would never hinder anyone from being happy or doing what is best for them but how can I when I think my feelings do not matter? Am I supposed to always just deal with things? While letting things happen is easy for others but for some, like me, it is not. Just because things happen overnight for him does not mean that I have to accept it overnight. It does not always work like that.  I don’t want to just deal with it sometimes and I do not always want to be the bigger person. Now I see why some think it is best to do things “the right way.”

No matter what you call the mother of a child her title should hold more weight. If you happen to be a good “baby mama” you deserve the upmost respect. I love my child more than life itself and I do not regret having him but I regret the situation. If I could do it all over again I would. I have never been a woman to confuse my role, I know where I stand and where I belong. I will never overstep my boundaries but it works both ways. I get tired of just taking it. I don’t want to live by “it is what is.” I want be more than just a title, I want to be known as Whitney a person. I have feelings too, I am not a robot. There are people who have long time boyfriends that they have children with and I think it’s truly a beautiful thing if love is truly the foundation. Different strokes for different folks. For me personally, I would NEVER have a child again without the ring.

This sh*t ain’t easy…

-The Single B*tch

 

You Can Always Count On Your Old Faithful

Whether he was once your boyfriend, a friend, someone else’s man or the boy from around the way…every woman has an old faithful. An old faithful is someone who you can always count on to be there when you need your socks rocked. You can call him morning, noon or night and you can guarantee action packed fun.

In other words your old faithful is your friend with benefits. In my eyes your friend with benefits does not count as casual sex. It is someone who you are used to, someone who knows your body inside (no pun intended) and out, someone that understands what y’all have and does not cross the boundaries. Maybe it is just me but not one girl can say that she does not have anyone to send that drunk text to when she wants to get right. It is a mutual situation, both of are you are providing something that the other needs and there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe no one can please him like you or maybe you just need that void filled for the meantime. My question is that if it is good when does it ever truly end? To be honest I have had mine for about three years and we are better off this way than anything else and I am okay with that. You aren’t meant to be with everyone that you meet. Sometimes it is what it is. You two have so much fun together and that day or night is great but as soon as morning comes y’all are back to the normally scheduled program until the next time y’all meet.

Whether it is wrong or right I see nothing wrong with calling your buddy up when you want to feel good. Honestly and personally speaking I never had more than one FWB at a time and just not anyone can qualify for that position (again, no pun intended). Some people are not worth entering back into your life no matter what role you want him to play or how much you think you can handle whatever may come along with that person. Either way I just feel that you need to get while the getting is good. There is no need to mess up a good thing…if it ain’t broke don’t fix it right?

Yours Truly,

The Single B*tch