My fears as Single Mom Dating
What I fear the most about being a dating single mom is not having anyone at all. Sometimes I am not sure if it is possible for a woman to have it all. It is almost like you have to sacrifice one thing for another. Being a mother is always my first priority but is it bad that a girl wants a companion too?
I have a pretty normal and for the most part a smooth sailing life. The more I mature I find myself ready to settle down with someone who compliments me. As I have said time and time before I have never been a girl who has dreamed about their wedding day but now more than ever I dream about the one who will make me a lucky woman. Not to mention my six-year old is constantly asking when I am going to be married because he wants a brother. Now let me be clear, I do not think that having a child is holding me back in the love department. I have all of the time that I need to establish a healthy relationship because I have a great support system. I never met a man who did not want to date me because I have a child. In fact I think the fact that I am an INDEPENDENT single mother makes me that more attractive. To be honest I think the fact that I had a child before marriage has my panties all the way in a bunch. I feel the pressure now more than ever.
What frustrates me is how easy it is for men with kids to date. Quite naturally the child will live with the mother so the father has time to live life as is. Besides the couple of days a week that he has his child (or whatever the arrangement may be) his day-to-day is never altered. If an event such as work or something else arises it is always easy for him to call you and say that he cannot see his child. As a mother you have to always have a plan A, B, C and D. You do not have the option to say that you cannot see your child. I am not sure if men understand the word sacrifice. I do not think men consider a lot when inviting another woman into his life when he has a child. I feel that a man does not have the worries that we moms do or even take into consideration certain factors that could affect the mother as well as the child. For example, my son has never met a man who I have dated. As a woman I have to consider who I introduce my child to because he will emulate what he sees. As a father he may not consider that because he feel that a child, particularly a son, will not model after a woman. I also constantly worry if the man who I do marry will love my child as if he was his own. I also worry about if I have other kids will my son feel out-of-place because he does will not have the same father as his future siblings. I do not think that men consider that. I do not think that it is because they do not care but because they just do not think…PERIOD!
I always worry about not being there for my son or consuming my life with other things will make me a bad mother. I always feel guilty when I do other things and I end up wishing I was at home with my son instead. In reality I know that I am a phenomenal mom but I do not want to feel like I am choosing something or someone over him. I fear that making my son the only man that helps me keep my bed warm at night will have me old, gray and alone.
Life for a woman is not always easy. I feel that as a woman, most importantly a mother, it is natural to always sacrifice. But what if the small things that we feel are “unimportant” cause us our soul mate? In some cases our children may not be why we do not have a flexible schedule but it could be because we do not put ourselves in a position to welcome love.
The Single B*tch
In my previous post growing pains I discussed going through a point in your life of self-reflection and growth. A part of this developmental stage is being alone. In this case I am not just focusing on being alone in reference to a romantic relationship but a relationship with yourself. While growing into who you want to be it is important to utilize this alone time to help make yourself better.
While I was going through self-reflection and growing into a better me I found myself feeling a little anti-social. I am not exactly a social butterfly but I am pretty sociable. I like to go to the bar for a nice cocktail or enjoy a nice summer day party to listen to some great music. Slowly but surely I found myself not wanting to be around people, I didn’t want to pick up my phone or return text messages. At first I thought something was wrong with me like I was going through a depression or something but then I realized that I needed this. I was afraid that I would lose friends but my true friends respected the process. I also found that I was able to notice and observe more and this includes people and things. I also noticed some things in myself that I did not like or that needed improvement. I saw things in some people who made me want to no longer involve myself with them. I thought about some friends that I grew apart from that I wanted to reunite with and I also noticed that some people had a whole lot of things going on that I did not want to add more weight on me. Think about this…when most of your friends call you of course it is natural for them to share with you what they are going through. And even though that is what friends do and naturally you want to listen and help but when you are going through it is too much to handle. Being a loyal and true friend I wanted to lend out advice, give my opinion or just sit there and listen to them vent but I knew that I did not want my process to be interrupted. I soon found out that this…being alone…was the best thing to ever happen to me.
If you too are going through this do not get down. Take one day at a time and learn to listen to yourself and figure out your purpose in the midst of all of this “mess”. If you utilize this time positively and smartly I promise that you will come out bigger and better than before.
The Single B*tch
We all reach that point in life where what we use to make us happy does not satisfy us anymore, we gravitate to things that we once shied away from and we no longer react to things that once pissed us of. Once we reach a certain point in our lives we realize that we need to allow room for growth and maybe mature in more ways than one. How you handle that point in your life determines your outcome so it is smart to utilize that time wisely.
Growing up life was easy for me. I never really had to work for anything and I never saw struggle. In a way I lived in bubble because I never knew what went on outside of me. I never had to fight my own battles because I always had someone to do it for me. I never had to finish things that I started and I never felt the consequences of my actions. One day out of the blue I started noticing that certain things no longer excited me and in a way I felt like I was losing myself and no longer knew who I was. I finally realized that I was experiencing growing pains. I was growing in more ways than one. I had an epiphany and I reflected over my mistakes and the person I was once was and I knew that I was not as mature emotionally as I thought I was. I no longer wanted to wait for people to help me do things and it was time for me to become my own woman. I learned that not only do you have to pick and choose your battles but you have to face those battles head on. There becomes a point and time where you can no longer run from your problems sometimes you have to figure out how to solve them. I saw some of the errors in my ways and I knew that I wanted to evolve into a better woman. I have to be honest and say that this time got very dark for me. Instead of accepting my mistakes and making sure that they never happen again, I harped on them and wondered what my life would be like if I would have made different decisions. Of course hindsight is always 20/20, or at least it should be, and now I see where I need to pick up and begin again.
These growing pains hurt and it is painful to look back and reflect on the person you are but do not fight the process. Your mistakes should never define you but they should be a perfect blueprint on what not to let happen again.
The Single B*tch
Maybe it is just me but have you ever sat around and wondered why you are single? Sometimes you blame yourself, other times you blame the lack of good men and other times you really just do not give a damn. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, what goes around comes around and I definitely believe that timing is everything. Because of those reasons I can’t help but to think that I am single because of karma.
To tell you the truth I know for a fact that I am not ready to settle down and commit to someone. I also know that I am not fully complete within to even give someone a part of me. But then I sit around and think about some of the good guys that I have passed up for one who was no good. Or the times when I involved myself with someone who was already involved with someone else. I can’t forget about the times when I used and abused my fallback guy. I have even abused the saying “one way to get over a guy is to get under another.” Then there were times that I knew that I was not even into a guy but I forced myself to get to know him just for the sake of “getting back out there.”
Of course there are some things that we do that keeps us from having a healthy long-term relationship but I often wonder if the universe is trying to tell us something. Let’s first start with ourselves and I guess the rest will come later
Hmmm this post was just a thought and I wanted to share.
The Single B*tch
It is so important to love yourself.
In today’s society it is so easy to get caught up in who you should be, who you want to be, who you think you should be and what others want you to be. As single women we always think that maybe something is wrong with us so then we try to change ourselves into what we think men want. Never forget who you are and in order for someone else to love you, you have to love yourself first.
I learned the hard way that you can never make a man love you. Quit making yourself available to the men who will not make themselves available to you. Please know your worth. Stop putting in full-time energy into a man who only gives you half of that. Never compromise what you want in a man and a relationship just because you do not want to be alone. I rather be alone, horny and happy than be sexually satisfied but still hurting. Remember that sex does not fill a void of real love. Do not ever confuse love and lust.
Do not let your insecurities and many fail attempts at love define you. You are a beautifully, specially designed undefinable creature who deserves everything good in life. When you are not right within it reflects on the outside and can affect your every thought and move. Real love is worth the wait. We all know that Rome was not built in one day and we all are a work in progress. Hurt and pain are sometimes inevitable but you will make it through and you will come out better than how you came in. Allow yourself time to heal and then you will see that finding, molding and developing yourself is the best thing that could have happened to you. Do not be afraid to love again and give yourself a pat on the back for having the courage to start all over. Never give up hope and know that when the queen is ready the king will come.
The Single B*tch
Normally we hear about men spending or giving money to women or buying them things. A lot of times men will trick off for women who they want the attention of, and in exchange for the woman’s time they will buy them things. Nine times out of ten the man and woman are not together because if they were he would not have to lure her with superficial things. The older I become I realize that we women do it too. In fact I think we do it more often than men do.
For those of you who are not familiar with the term “trick off” it means to give money or material things to someone for their time, affection, attention and in some cases SEX. For decades women have been taking care of men and treating them like their sons. I have seen some women who are caught up in love providing a roof over her “man’s” head, clothing them, feeding them and letting them use their car. Oh and lets be clear MONEY CANNOT BUY YOU TRUE LOVE. Now in this case I am not talking about a leaching ass situation. I am talking about a non-committed, give and take and no strings attached situation where you have met a guy who had sex so good that you were willing to pay bills, buy shoes and cook him breakfast at 8 o’clock in the morning. We have all met a guy who we knew was not worth a damn but we did not care because he satisfied you sexually. Now I am no advocate for supporting a man who does not work but listen if all you want is a play toy and not expecting anything in return then be my guest, I see nothing wrong!
They say p***y is power but I say the penis has some mighty power too. To the ladies who are reading this and disagree or think it is dumb then you probably have never had great wood and I feel bad for you.
The Single B*tch