Every now and again I will wake up with an epiphany and realize that I want that old thing back. One thing I never liked about myself is the fact that I can treat a guy that I once dated like I never knew him. I feel that there is no point of still communicating if we no longer date. There have only been a few rare occurrences where I still keep in contact with someone I have dated because we were good friends first. I guess to have me thinking about him years later, he must have been special.
I met him in college and we were always friends. He was one of those guys that I have always subconsciously had feelings for. Calling him for advice turned into quick conversations turned into text messages, then long phone calls, then drunken high nights that turned into leg shaking sex. He made me feel comfortable and I was not afraid to be myself with him. We gave each other good laughs and nights that turned into mornings. I could not even tell you how we ended. I think we were mutually caught up in other situations that took prevalence at the moment. So we fizzled out…
Sometimes you never realize how much of a good thing you and he had. I guess as you mature you realize how much he would have been a good fit for you. Sometimes I think I get in my nostalgic moods and I want to relive the past and feel good like that old memory made me feel. Then other times I think that maybe a shot at a second go round can be better than the first. Then knowing myself I think I just like the comfort of knowing that he is a familiar face. I hate finding someone new sometimes. Then to be quite honest I just want something to make me feel good…I just want to have fun.
Who knows, maybe my old thing can turn into a good thing and we can give it a shot again.
The Single B*tch
I think sometimes we women have to take responsibility for our own actions. I learned many years ago in basic science that for every action there is a reaction, but does everything that he does wrong deserve a response? Is everything that goes wrong in a relationship, or an attempt at a relationship, always his fault? I am pretty sure there are things that we, as woman, could have changed and did differently.
Men are not the only ones who are slow to get into relationships, women are too. We women try to act like we always have it all together but some of us are definitely half crazy. What I had to learn is that you cannot require what you are not willing to give. Unfortunately, with the shortage of men we have to be realistic in our choices and learn to compromise. I feel that we have no right to be too picky. An older co-worker of mine told me that you will have to help build your man. All men will not come packaged beautifully and tied with a bow. We may just have to buff out the rough edges to make it smooth. I also feel that we expect men to think the same as us. We have to clearly articulate how we feel and know that he may or may not understand. More than likely, a man will not always react the same as we do to a situation. I think the hugest mistake that we all make is putting expectations on a man that we know are not relationship ready. Why waste your time on someone who is not on the same page as you? You cannot get upset if someone who is just worth some late night sex does not do what you expect him to do. PERIOD POINT BLANK…BE REALISTIC!
Until we know what we really want and need in a man, I think it is unfair to request and expect certain things from him. We have to reevaluate our non-negotiables and see if some things are worth a compromise. If we do not figure out what we need, want and think what is fair and realistic, we women will continue to set ourselves up for failure.
The Single B*tch
We all go through hurt from time to time. Some of us can deal with negative situations better than others. The rest of us just find a way to deal with the pain. Some reactions are innate and others are built and accumulated through time. After situation, relationship, situationship and whatever the hell else, I realized that I have accumulated a little (okay maybe a lot) of debris. To help prevent me from feeling anymore pain I realized that I have developed a defense mechanism.
My defense mechanism is my guard to defend myself against love.
Deep inside I feel a lot of different emotions. Sometimes I cry, laugh, get angry and other times I just let whatever happened roll off my shoulders. So I recently connected with someone I used to date and he told me that I was one of the hardest girls that he has ever met. At first, in a weird way, I took this as a compliment but later on I realized that continuously having a guard up is not healthy. After talking to him I brought this up to a friend and she told me “you have no emotions”. Now for some reason this shocked me. When I sat back and thought about it I realized that they were not the only ones who have said this to me, others have too. I guess my heart grew cold to preserve it from every getting broken again. I was watching Modern Family one day and Phil said that his dad is like a candy that has a hard shell but has a lot of candy inside. I was like “that’s me!!! That explains me perfectly”. But I wonder what it will take to soften my shell to get to the chewiness deep within?
When it comes to love, I should not have to defend myself against it. Love is not the enemy…
The Single B*tch
We women are so critical of ourselves and it could be because of society’s views of beauty, family, culture, insecurities but I blame men. We want to look good and appealing for ourselves but of course we want to be desired by the men that we love the most. Some of us look in the mirror and think we are too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall, too conservative, too sexual, not curvy enough or even too curvy. Some of us think that our hair is too curly, too straight, skin is too dark or too light. We can even go as far as saying that we battle between being too independent or independent enough. We can all argue that as a woman confidence starts within ourselves but how can we not have a complex or two when our men are constantly tearing us down?
Men say that they want a natural, independent, self-starting, beautiful, modest woman but I feel that they praise the women who are opposite. They say that women with fake hair, lashes, nails, ass and titties are not attractive but they sing the praises of the exact same women. Some of us women are comfortable in our skin and some of us want to improve our bodies but do not have the time or money. Those of us who do not have the money to get a gym membership, eat clean (because it is expensive) or time to even work out result to other alternatives. Those alternatives may be using supportive undergarments or even surgical procedures. Men seem to fall to the feet of women who may be “exotic” and have long, silky flowing hair and light eyes. So women who do not have those physical attributes may add extensions, wear wigs and even wear contacts to make up for what they feel they are lacking. I also feel that because of the contradictory statements of some men they create a lot of competition between women. We cannot be too sexual or love sex because if we do we are called sluts but if we are not sexual enough it is an excuse for us to get cheated on. For those of you who have not seen me I am an African-American woman who is comfortable in my skin but unfortunately some are not. I say that to say this, I get so tired of friction between African-American women because some are of a lighter complexion and some are darker. It does not matter how dark or light your skin is, if you are African-American you still check the same race box on a job application. JUST STOP IT!!!!
I am never the one to bash men because I feel like we have to take responsibility for our own actions but it would be an amazing feeling to get support from the men we adore. I often wonder when men will help simplify our complexes and embrace us for who we really are.
The Single B*tch