“When the darkness gets easier, you know you’re sinking deeper, becoming dead yourself.”-Lucy Christopher
I have heard about girls becoming jaded because of past failed relationships and getting hurt but I never thought that I was one of THOSE girls. Although I have been single for what seems like ages, I am still a hopeless romantic at heart in spite of what I have been through. I have never been anti-love and I have always assumed that it just wasn’t my time to have a relationship. For so long I thought that maybe I am just too comfortable with being single. But after a while I realized that I am not moved too much from not finding what I was looking for and then it dawned on me that maybe I am one of THOSE girls.
Lord knows that I have been through it all. I have been lied to, cheated on, disrespected, let down, made a fool of and have been taken advantage of. After a while I was able to teach myself to not have expectations and that men are just as human as everyone else and shit happens. There is no excuse for someone having shitty behavior but I tried to convince myself that maybe he had an underlying issue or maybe he just wasn’t ready for a girl like me. I can remember nights when I would turn on “Mr.Intentional” by Lauryn Hill and cry until my nose was stuffy and red and until I was just tired of crying. Sometimes crying is good. After a good cry I would feel cleansed almost like all of those negative feelings were washed away. Well one night I felt something that I never felt before and that feeling was nothing. One night a guy did something very shitty to me and I turned on my usual slow jams so I could get a good cry and nothing happened. I tried to make myself cry like Phaedra did on the fourth part of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion special but the shit didn’t work. To be honest, I didn’t even get mad. In fact I didn’t give one fat fuck. I actually felt worse because I was confused to why as I didn’t feel anything. Now I am sitting here stuck…
What do you do once you become numb? Is it a good thing that you don’t have a reaction to negative things or should you be worried that you felt nothing? If you become numb, what can you do to feel again?
The Single B*tch