Tag Archives: baby mama

Learning to Co-exist while Co-parenting

Some of us do not always have the conventional type of family. Sometimes things happen and both parents cannot be in the same home with their child(ren). It could be because of a divorce, a break-up or the fact that you both were never together. My child’s father and I get along pretty well. I may have some things that I do not like, have issues or disagree with when it comes to just he and I but honestly I could not ask for my child to have a better father. If the only thing that he and I have in common is our child and the only relationship that we have is co-parenting then my only issue is our son and his well-being. Even though I may have thoughts and feelings about other things but I chose to pick my battles wisely and let him be the good parent that I know he is. To sum it all up…I think our situation is damn near perfect but unfortunately it is not the same for others.

I have had some readers send me e-mails and submit questions concerning “baby daddy” and co-parenting issues so I decided to give out some tips based on what works for me and my child’s father. Now keep in mind I am no expert on any topic but if I feel that I am pretty knowledgeable about something then I will throw my opinion out there. . I also understand that not all situations are able to be worked out and need extra time because it takes two to make it work. Below are some things that I think could help improve a situation where parents can learn to co-exist while co-parenting

Let go of the past– It is pretty common for people to hold onto the past to the point where it affects their future. A situation can never progress if you are constantly bringing up the past and holding a person to their mistakes. Baggage is heavy y’all…

Communication is key– I have always said that sometimes is not what you say but how you say it. Learning how to effectively communicate is detrimental. I think it is almost impossible for any type of relationship to survive if there is no good communication. If it is possible I would say text less and call more. Learn how to articulate exactly how you feel. Try not to yell at each other or use profanity. And do not assume what the other will say, think or feel.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.-Respect goes both ways. You cannot demand what you are not willing to provide. I HATE double standards. Do not do something that you would not want your child’s mother/father doing. At the end of the day the other person is a part of your child as well. Try not to bash, talk negatively or be unsupportive of the other. Please realize that if the mother/father of your child is not doing well then that means your child is not either.

Keep things private– It is okay to vent to a close friend every now and then but there is no need to broadcast all of your personal business to anyone who will listen.

Try therapy– This is something that I have been meaning to try myself. I would love for my son’s father and me to do this. Sometimes you may just need to let someone who is unbiased try to help you both understand the other. It also would not hurt to emotionally express yourself and I think it would provide some relief. People can be really hurt and bruised from previous experiences and issues and need help getting through it.

Involve a third party– if you and your child’s parent cannot even stand to look or be around each other try to involve someone else outside the relationship. Let me clarify. If it takes someone to be in the middle that can take the child to the other’s house or help pacify the situation then do so.

Take responsibility– If you have done something that you know was wrong…OWN UP TO IT!!! Do not make up excuses of why you did something just say you did it because you wanted to. Be accountable for your words and actions. Just because you felt like it was right does not mean that it was. We all have made mistakes…just say you did too.

Without any explanation try to remain open minded, understanding, honest, flexible, compromising and remember that your child is not a paycheck. Last but not least…

IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU….ITS ABOUT THE CHILD. DO NOT BE SELFISH!!!!!

Deal Or No Deal?

The more mature and older I become I start to think about the characteristics in men that I just cannot deal with. We women need to think about our “non-negotiables” while we are dating and trying to find our better half. When I was younger about 13 or 14 (like I was grown and knew everything about dating) I remember having a red spiral notebook with over 100 things that a boy could not do or have. I would have things like he could not have dried up deodorant balls under his arm, could not wear jerseys with no shirt underneath, no braids, cannot drive a Honda, he can’t wear his friends clothes and a whole bunch of silly stuff. Now do not get me wrong some of those things I still do not like (besides the Honda) but they are not something that I cannot work with. And let’s be realistic whether you are 13, 23 or 33 no woman should have over 100 things that a man cannot do or have, in that case you deserve to be single. For me what is non-negotiable goes way beyond the obvious like not having a car, stable job and a place to stay because at my age those are given. I like to think more about a man’s values and his logic. So I talked to some of my close friends and co-workers who are women, from different backgrounds and ages and asked what are some things that are non-negotiable while dating and this is what they said ( I put a star by the ones I totally agree and cannot negotiate with):

  • He cannot be a “mamas boy”
  • He has to passionate about something…even if it’s lawn care..he has to want to do it and be good at it*
  • He cannot be lackadaisical*
  • Ambition*
  • He cannot have small children
  • If he does not have manners*
  • A man with no backbone…I do not want to be in a relationship with a yes boy
  • He may not have to know how to cook but he has to be clean
  • He cannot have less sexual stamina than me*
  • Religion is a deal breaker. They must have some sort of faith in a higher power*
  • Not too many kids*
  • Has to be very respectful*
  • A loyal person*
  • He has to be confidant in what he has
  • He has to be financially motivated*
  • Cannot have a small penis*
  • He has to be multifaceted*
  • He has to be a man’s man…be able to fix cars and things around the house*
  • He has to be realistic*
  • Understands the meaning of having a friendship*
  • He respects the fact that if a woman has kids she is a mother first before anything!**
  • Great hygiene**
  • He has to be ambitious**
  • He cannot be a “bugaboo”
  • Good sense of humor*
  • Has to be humble
  • He cannot be egotistical**
  • Cannot by any means jealous
  • He treats his mom with respect*
  • He cannot be overly superficial*
  • He cannot have dirty nails
  • He cannot be immature
  • It’s such a big turn off when a man always has to roll with a crew
  • Multiple baby mamas**
  • Not pessimistic
  • No extensive criminal record**
  • Has to have goals set**
  • Has to pursue a career that benefits them
  • He has to be well-rounded**
  • Eclectic
  • Open minded* 

By now a woman should know what she seeks in a man. No one should have no non-negotiables but on the other side of the coin no woman should have too many. I feel that I am too old to try to upgrade a man but in the same sense they are some things that I am willing to compromise and work with. If you are single and dating or even in a committed relationship you need to start asking yourself if the man you are with is a reflection of you. Now tell me…what are you not willing to negotiate?

Sincerely,

The Single B*tch

 

Being HIS “Baby Mama”

I can’t express how much I hate the term “baby mama” but to be quite honest if you have never been married and you have a child by someone that is all that you will be referred to as. For me being a baby mama has been one of the hardest titles that I have had to withhold. On this post I am not describing my position as a mother to a child but being the mother of HIS child in relation to the father. As I mature, grow and as I become older I tend to think a lot differently when it comes to being his child’s mother.

Okay so maybe it is just me but being a baby mama has so many negative connotations and views. When thought of most people on the outside probably think we are full of drama, selfish, loud, ungrateful, hateful and bitter and in some cases that is so far from the truth. I have been co-parenting for 6 years and to be real it works when you have two mature adults who know that the child comes first but because the situation may seem amicable and calm does not mean that I am happy. When it comes to being the mother of his child I feel that you come to many obstacles that are seen and unseen. What hurts the most for me is that I sometimes feel that your plight, strength, value and emotions go unnoticed and not taken into consideration. Sometimes I get so tired of always trying to do the right thing or thinking with logic instead of emotions. Sometimes I do not want to be understanding, strong or compromising. Why can I not just give a damn sometimes instead of caring or being concerned. It’s like I am so immune to doing what I have to do and going through the motions that I feel that I can’t feel anything…I have to be numb. I feel that there are so many double standards when being his “baby mama”. It is ok for the man to speak on how he feels and take matters into his own hands because that’s what a man is supposed to do. As a woman if I speak out loud about how I feel or think I am petty, bitter, mad, jealous, a hater or being controlling. I would never hinder anyone from being happy or doing what is best for them but how can I when I think my feelings do not matter? Am I supposed to always just deal with things? While letting things happen is easy for others but for some, like me, it is not. Just because things happen overnight for him does not mean that I have to accept it overnight. It does not always work like that.  I don’t want to just deal with it sometimes and I do not always want to be the bigger person. Now I see why some think it is best to do things “the right way.”

No matter what you call the mother of a child her title should hold more weight. If you happen to be a good “baby mama” you deserve the upmost respect. I love my child more than life itself and I do not regret having him but I regret the situation. If I could do it all over again I would. I have never been a woman to confuse my role, I know where I stand and where I belong. I will never overstep my boundaries but it works both ways. I get tired of just taking it. I don’t want to live by “it is what is.” I want be more than just a title, I want to be known as Whitney a person. I have feelings too, I am not a robot. There are people who have long time boyfriends that they have children with and I think it’s truly a beautiful thing if love is truly the foundation. Different strokes for different folks. For me personally, I would NEVER have a child again without the ring.

This sh*t ain’t easy…

-The Single B*tch