Tag Archives: being comfortable

Functionally Dysfunctional…

Fussing in public, hanging up the phone, cursing each other out, breaking up every other week and headache after headache. It sounds so horrible but at the same time it feels so good. Sounds crazy right? To some people it is normal and that’s functional to them. I have heard some people say that they like organized chaos and for them it’s easy to operate…that’s how I think of dysfunctional relationships that functionally operate.

When I was younger I had a boyfriend that was older than me and to every high school girl it is a dream. Well my dream tuned into a living nightmare. I have never experienced so much mental and emotional abuse. At times it even got physical. What is still baffling to me is the fact that I thought if none of the drama was going on then something was not right. The drama use to drive us, we loved it. Our dysfunction was habitual and in fact quite normal. I was so drained emotionally. As I look back now I think I became a little desensitized.  A little jealousy is normal in relationships but my boyfriend took it to another extreme he became jealous of me. He did not want me hanging with my friends, when I got my first car he did not congratulate me and did not support anything that I did. By that time…I had enough. I was done!  I went to college and saw that there were more men in this world than the “man” I left back at home. I dated guys and there was one in particular that I was crazy about but it was a reason why it didn’t work. The same dysfunction that my ex-boyfriend and I had, I tried that on him…IT DID NOT WORK. That’s when I learned that what I thought was the “new normal” was not normal at all.

Some of us may not notice how previous relationships have shaped our views on current relationships. It could even distort future relationships if we let it. I have learned that it is also important to allow ourselves some breathing room to recover from bad and even sometimes good relationships. It is never okay to expose yourself to so much dysfunction. And it definitely is not okay to lose yourself to the point that you do not even know how to be yourself in a relationship. Never let something so negative become all you know because you will never have the chance to know something else if you do not allow it. It is funny how something so uncomfortable becomes your comfort…


The Single B*tch

Everyone Has an Addiction…Mine is Him

Besides the fact that I pop coca cola open like I change underwear I never had any other addiction until I met him. I never thought it was possible to be addicted to someone until he entered into my life. Something as enjoyable as the feeling that you get from someone you are so into should not be so destructible. In this case I don’t even think I considered what my heart said because your mind takes over everything that you’re feeling whether if it is wrong or right. What is strange is that as much as your mind takes over I used no logic when it came to him…there was no such thing as common sense.

During my addiction to him I didn’t know if I was in love, lust or if he was just breaking me off like no other. If I could I would be stuck in a house with him for days and wouldn’t stop until I got enough. Of course I would need my time away from him so I could come down but as soon as my high wore off I would need him right back with me again. It’s like I was doing something that I had no business doing, I couldn’t tell anyone about him because I was afraid that I would be judged. The attraction between us was so real it’s like a magnetic force field is between us and we couldn’t stay away. He was my drug, my habit and my dealer. When I was wrapped up in him it’s like I was floating on cloud 9 and I couldn’t come down, in fact I didn’t want to. He had me hooked, dependent and I couldn’t kick him.

Ladies I had to check myself into an imaginable a$$ rehab to get my mind right!!! When I think about it…I think I was in love with him but more than anything he was all I knew. I felt comfortable with him. I needed to see what life was like without having him there all the time. I could no longer depend on him. To be honest I do not want to go through life without having him somewhere in the mix but I needed to kick my habit. Every now and again I still find myself fiending for him…I just need a taste. I can’t even lie…I just need one more hit…or three 🙂

-The Single B*tch