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I Want That Old Thing Back

Every now and again I will wake up with an epiphany and realize that I want that old thing back. One thing I never liked about myself is the fact that I can treat a guy that I once dated like I never knew him. I feel that there is no point of still communicating if we no longer date. There have only been a few rare occurrences where I still keep in contact with someone I have dated because we were good friends first. I guess to have me thinking about him years later, he must have been special.

I met him in college and we were always friends. He was one of those guys that I have always subconsciously had feelings for. Calling him for advice turned into quick conversations turned into text messages, then long phone calls, then drunken high nights that turned into leg shaking sex. He made me feel comfortable and I was not afraid to be myself with him. We gave each other good laughs and nights that turned into mornings. I could not even tell you how we ended. I think we were mutually caught up in other situations that took prevalence at the moment. So we fizzled out…

Sometimes you never realize how much of a good thing you and he had. I guess as you mature you realize how much he would have been a good fit for you. Sometimes I think I get in my nostalgic moods and I want to relive the past and feel good like that old memory made me feel.  Then other times I think that maybe a shot at a second go round can be better than the first. Then knowing myself I think I just like the comfort of knowing that he is a familiar face. I hate finding someone new sometimes. Then to be quite honest I just want something to make me feel good…I just want to have fun.

Who knows, maybe my old thing can turn into a good thing and we can give it a shot again.

 

With Love,

The Single B*tch

What Is Your Defense Mechanism?

We all go through hurt from time to time. Some of us can deal with negative situations better than others. The rest of us just find a way to deal with the pain. Some reactions are innate and others are built and accumulated through time. After situation, relationship, situationship and whatever the hell else, I realized that I have accumulated a little (okay maybe a lot) of debris. To help prevent me from feeling anymore pain I realized that I have developed a defense mechanism.

My defense mechanism is my guard to defend myself against love.

Deep inside I feel a lot of different emotions. Sometimes I cry, laugh, get angry and other times I just let whatever happened roll off my shoulders. So I recently connected with someone I used to date and he told me that I was one of the hardest girls that he has ever met. At first, in a weird way, I took this as a compliment but later on I realized that continuously having a guard up is not healthy. After talking to him I brought this up to a friend and she told me “you have no emotions”. Now for some reason this shocked me. When I sat back and thought about it I realized that they were not the only ones who have said this to me, others have too. I guess my heart grew cold to preserve it from every getting broken again. I was watching Modern Family one day and Phil said that his dad is like a candy that has a hard shell but has a lot of candy inside. I was like “that’s me!!! That explains me perfectly”. But I wonder what it will take to soften my shell to get to the chewiness deep within?

When it comes to love, I should not have to defend myself against it. Love is not the enemy…

Yours Truly,

The Single B*tch

Just A Reminder…

It is so important to love yourself.

In today’s society it is so easy to get caught up in who you should be, who you want to be, who you think you should be and what others want you to be. As single women we always think that maybe something is wrong with us so then we try to change ourselves into what we think men want. Never forget who you are and in order for someone else to love you, you have to love yourself first.

I learned the hard way that you can never make a man love you. Quit making yourself available to the men who will not make themselves available to you. Please know your worth. Stop putting in full-time energy into a man who only gives you half of that. Never compromise what you want in a man and a relationship just because you do not want to be alone. I rather be alone, horny and happy than be sexually satisfied but still hurting. Remember that sex does not fill a void of real love. Do not ever confuse love and lust.

Do not let your insecurities and many fail attempts at love define you. You are a beautifully, specially designed undefinable creature who deserves everything good in life. When you are not right within it reflects on the outside and can affect your every thought and move. Real love is worth the wait. We all know that Rome was not built in one day and we all are a work in progress. Hurt and pain are sometimes inevitable but you will make it through and you will come out better than how you came in. Allow yourself time to heal and then you will see that finding, molding and developing yourself is the best thing that could have happened to you. Do not be afraid to love again and give yourself a pat on the back for having the courage to start all over. Never give up hope and know that when the queen is ready the king will come.

With Love,

The Single B*tch

Don’t Be Fooled…Women Trick Off Too

Normally we hear about men spending or giving money to women or buying them things. A lot of times men will trick off for women who they want the attention of, and in exchange for the woman’s time they will buy them things. Nine times out of ten the man and woman are not together because if they were he would not have to lure her with superficial things. The older I become I realize that we women do it too. In fact I think we do it more often than men do.

For those of you who are not familiar with the term “trick off” it means to give money or material things to someone for their time, affection, attention and in some cases SEX. For decades women have been taking care of men and treating them like their sons. I have seen some women who are caught up in love providing a roof over her “man’s” head, clothing them, feeding them and letting them use their car. Oh and lets be clear MONEY CANNOT BUY YOU TRUE LOVE. Now in this case I am not talking about a leaching ass situation. I am talking about a non-committed, give and take and no strings attached situation where you have met a guy who had sex so good that you were willing to pay bills, buy shoes and cook him breakfast at 8 o’clock in the morning. We have all met a guy who we knew was not worth a damn but we did not care because he satisfied you sexually. Now I am no advocate for supporting a man who does not work but listen if all you want is a play toy and not expecting anything in return then be my guest, I see nothing wrong!

They say p***y is power but I say the penis has some mighty power too. To the ladies who are reading this and disagree or think it is dumb then you probably have never had great wood and I feel bad for you.

Sincerely,

The Single B*tch

Dear Good Men,

We know you are out there
And while we pray to meet you one day
Our diabolical passion for revenge…
Keeps us focused and gravitated
Chasing
Away the good men that we befriend
Men that are opposite of them
The ones who parade around gallantly
Boasting and bragging
About their many women and has beens
Passing
Up the good women who love hard
Then leave us with no regard
Guarding
Our happiness and dissipating
Our love into madness, now we’re reciprocating…
Illustrating
The same thing we’ve experienced
Thinking all men are the same, no different
Vigilant
Of anyone who’s too close for comfort
Because our souls have died down to a slumber
Blunder
On our behalf because of a few mishaps
We look pass you good men and relapse
Entrapped
Into a continuous cycle of heartache
Unfamiliar with loving anything but pain
Plagued
By history which continues to repeat itself
Because it has proven that we don’t just do bad by ourselves
Helped
By the cheaters, abusers, liars and deceivers
We end up forfeiting the fairytale we dreamed of
Perceiving
That all of us black women are bitter and angry
And we bring the same to society with the daughters we’re raising
Changing
That perception would be you good men that still want us
Even through our inabilities to love you, you still love us
And on behalf of our fuck ups
We apologize…. don’t give up on us

LOVE ALWAYS,
A BITTER,  BROKEN, BLACK WOMAN

Author: Victoria CaMille

IG: @lyrical.love.jones

Good Sex Can Sometimes Be So Bad

Good d*ck will make a girl lose her mind!!! I wonder if there are any classes that you can enroll in to help you get over good wood?

Good grief I do not know why it is so hard to get over amazing sex. I don’t care if he just hit it once or maybe even twice but I swear you will spend your life trying to chase that same feeling but to be honest it does not compare if it is not with that same person. It is like when you get a taste of some GREAT peen all common sense goes out of the window. The worst sex to have is with someone who does not belong totally to you or someone who is not on the same page as you. I do not care what anyone says but good sex is very hard to come by but why is it that good sex with the wrong person is so easy to get into but hard to get out of? Something that feels so right can end up so bad when it is with the wrong person.

Here is one of my many stories…

Girl, so I saw this guy at the bar one night and I was instantly attracted to him. See I am the type of person that is more attracted to characteristics and demeanor than physical attributes (how someone looks is still important) but I still have a certain type of guy that will make me melt and HE HAD IT ALL!!!! He was about 6’4, 230 lbs, dark smooth skin, his bone structure was perfectly chiseled, full lips and big beautiful eyes. I found out that he was a few years younger than me so I just knew that I was going to show him a thing or two and have his mind gone and boy was I wrong. From the second he opened his mouth I knew he was not worth sh*t but I was not looking for anything serious so I said what the hell I will just have my fun. But of course you had to take the good with the bad. From what I observed he had no job, he did not take things seriously, he went to school on scholarship and blew it and had a strong fixation to the ganja. Now I do not judge anyone who has a vice because I have mine but it is a totally different story when it is your priority. So we texted here and there and had the normal get to know you conversations. He met my friends and me one night at a hookah bar and we vibed so well together but when he asked me out to the movies the next night I was shocked (being that I have not been on a date in ages). It felt good to get dressed up and spend some time with someone who you have interest in. The sexual attraction that I had towards him was so strong that I actually got aroused just by sitting next to him in the movies. I think the reason I was so sexually attracted to him was because it is rare that I find someone who fits the description of what I physically like. After that night he was extremely distant and I figured something was wrong. The fool got upset because in a drunken ramble offered to pay for the movies and did not. I mean geesh please do not hold me accountable for anything that I say when I consume gin. We finally linked up again one late night and my goodness…what he had dangling between his legs was enough to make me pay his car note (if he had one) for 6 months. I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING THAT BIG IN PERSON! Honestly he is in the top 2 of the best sex ever. The only reason he is not number one is because we lacked the mental and emotional connection. We were supposed to hang out after than but it never happened. To this day…I will never forget the blessing this man has bestowed upon me.

How can a man be so evil to only give you some amazing peen once??!?!? How do you get over such good sex? They say a way to get over one man is to get up under another but to be honest I am not trying to test drive someone else and waste a number. That would be like having a strong craving for pasta but you receive a hot dog instead…I WANT HIM!!! Lol

Yours Truly,

The Single B*tch

I Do Not Know Why We Ignore The Signs

I think it is quite ridiculous how all of the signs of why we should not involve ourselves with someone could be right in front of us but we seem to always ignore them. It is human nature to always want what we cannot have or what is bad for us. When we try to diet we always want something unhealthy. When we try to remain sober we always want a stiff drink (this is a toughy for me). When we try to abstain from sex that is when we are the horniest and all the peen that you once wanted is being thrown at you left and right. Before I leave this Earth I would love to get to the bottom of why we are so intrigued by what is out of our reach.

Now I do not claim to know much about men but I feel that one thing is true…they are habitual! When a man begins to be inconsistent, something is wrong! Let me tell you what happened to me. I started dating this guy that I knew in my childhood and we dated for about 6 months strong. Like everything was right. We saw each other every weekend, if I had car problems he would fix them, he would bring me around his family, we actually went on dates and we communicated pretty well. A little more than half way through the 6 months he would go days without calling me and would say his phone was off. We would also make plans for dates and he would never show or never call back. He did all of those things for months. Right then and there I knew something was wrong but I didn’t want to believe it. It was not until I got a call from his girlfriend who he was with for 5 years, lived out-of-state and was planning on moving to Georgia. I was hurt, appalled and somewhat shocked. But the signs were right in front of my face…

For us women we always fall victim to this issue, and in a way to ourselves, because it seems that we ignore all of the red flags when it comes to men. I seem to always involve myself with men who have too much baggage, a criminal record, not ready for commitment, dishonest or who have some type of situation going on. I try to justify this situation by telling myself that at least I am aware of his faults and what I want out of the situation. But this still does not make it right if you find yourself getting disappointed by the outcome. I do not know if we are just intrigued by the unknown or if it feels good to “sneak” and do something or if we think we can somewhat change the situation. In some ways I believe we do not want to believe it because it will make whatever is wrong true. For some, including myself, it is always easier not knowing. Lord knows my intuition has kicked in more than a few times and I just push it right on to the side. Personally for me I cannot be thrilled with a good time and then say no. I think for so long I have always tried to do the right thing or take extra precautions that I never did what pleased me. What is sad about this all is that we know what we are getting ourselves into but when the walls come tumbling down we act shocked that it happened.

I think it is time we take charge of our lives and feelings and do what is beneficial to us in the long run. We need to take the time out to learn and, most importantly, love ourselves and we will see that soon we can careful about the time we may lose by dealing with someone who is no good.

Sincerely,

The Single B*tch

Independent Woman Syndrome

Hi my name is The Single B*tch, first name The Single last name B*tch, and I too suffer from the Independent Woman Syndrome.

If you just take a look around us you can see that the world is constantly changing and evolving. Some changes are good and some may not be but I guess it all depends on who you ask. It seems that people do not adjust well to change especially when it deviates from the norm or what some consider traditional. What seems to be the norm now are women migrating to roles that were once held by men. Women are no longer barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen. Women are now business owners, entrepreneurs, CEOs, the family breadwinners and homeowners. I personally feel that some women are used to doing everything on their own that if a man enters their life they would not know how to let a man be a man. I think some women are so independent to the point where it handicaps them when it comes to love and relationships if you are not willing to compromise. I have heard older women say that a man does not want a woman who they feel they cannot provide for. I disagree…I think that only applies to insecure and weak men.

I have my own home, car, job, money, benefits and I withhold a degree. I also have a child that I help provide for and I purchase my own clothes, shoes and pay my own bills. Since I have become a mother I find myself becoming a bit more controlling, demanding, aggressive and no-nonsense because I feel that I have to be. These characteristics seem to spill over to my romantic relationships as well. I had a guy tell me that some “men” rather have a woman that does not have as much as them because at any point and time she can leave and have any other man that she wants. I thought this was absurd. At times I think I am “too much” for some men but I feel that I do not attract the men that are on the same level as me. But at the same time I have said myself that I cannot picture myself being with a man who makes significantly more than me. I am not sure that I would be comfortable knowing that based on what we bring home it puts us in two different social classes. It is not because I am insecure but because I need to feel that I could stand alone and maintain the same lifestyle if that man would ever leave me. I guess this is where I make a mistake of letting my independent woman syndrome cock block. Maybe it is just me but when I look around I see a lot of women who have their own but seem to be single or are with men who do not have as much. Sometimes I wonder if our independent behavior handicaps the men we are with by making them comfortable with taking a backseat?

So, do you think it is possible to have an actual “power couple”? Do you think that in order for a power couple to exist that the man has to have more wealth than the woman? Do you think that it is possible to have a healthy relationship where the woman is the breadwinner? Do you think that a man of any stature or salary can accept a woman of power?

Yours Truly,

The Single B*tch

Learning to Co-exist while Co-parenting

Some of us do not always have the conventional type of family. Sometimes things happen and both parents cannot be in the same home with their child(ren). It could be because of a divorce, a break-up or the fact that you both were never together. My child’s father and I get along pretty well. I may have some things that I do not like, have issues or disagree with when it comes to just he and I but honestly I could not ask for my child to have a better father. If the only thing that he and I have in common is our child and the only relationship that we have is co-parenting then my only issue is our son and his well-being. Even though I may have thoughts and feelings about other things but I chose to pick my battles wisely and let him be the good parent that I know he is. To sum it all up…I think our situation is damn near perfect but unfortunately it is not the same for others.

I have had some readers send me e-mails and submit questions concerning “baby daddy” and co-parenting issues so I decided to give out some tips based on what works for me and my child’s father. Now keep in mind I am no expert on any topic but if I feel that I am pretty knowledgeable about something then I will throw my opinion out there. . I also understand that not all situations are able to be worked out and need extra time because it takes two to make it work. Below are some things that I think could help improve a situation where parents can learn to co-exist while co-parenting

Let go of the past– It is pretty common for people to hold onto the past to the point where it affects their future. A situation can never progress if you are constantly bringing up the past and holding a person to their mistakes. Baggage is heavy y’all…

Communication is key– I have always said that sometimes is not what you say but how you say it. Learning how to effectively communicate is detrimental. I think it is almost impossible for any type of relationship to survive if there is no good communication. If it is possible I would say text less and call more. Learn how to articulate exactly how you feel. Try not to yell at each other or use profanity. And do not assume what the other will say, think or feel.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.-Respect goes both ways. You cannot demand what you are not willing to provide. I HATE double standards. Do not do something that you would not want your child’s mother/father doing. At the end of the day the other person is a part of your child as well. Try not to bash, talk negatively or be unsupportive of the other. Please realize that if the mother/father of your child is not doing well then that means your child is not either.

Keep things private– It is okay to vent to a close friend every now and then but there is no need to broadcast all of your personal business to anyone who will listen.

Try therapy– This is something that I have been meaning to try myself. I would love for my son’s father and me to do this. Sometimes you may just need to let someone who is unbiased try to help you both understand the other. It also would not hurt to emotionally express yourself and I think it would provide some relief. People can be really hurt and bruised from previous experiences and issues and need help getting through it.

Involve a third party– if you and your child’s parent cannot even stand to look or be around each other try to involve someone else outside the relationship. Let me clarify. If it takes someone to be in the middle that can take the child to the other’s house or help pacify the situation then do so.

Take responsibility– If you have done something that you know was wrong…OWN UP TO IT!!! Do not make up excuses of why you did something just say you did it because you wanted to. Be accountable for your words and actions. Just because you felt like it was right does not mean that it was. We all have made mistakes…just say you did too.

Without any explanation try to remain open minded, understanding, honest, flexible, compromising and remember that your child is not a paycheck. Last but not least…

IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU….ITS ABOUT THE CHILD. DO NOT BE SELFISH!!!!!

Sometimes I…

Sometimes I wish that I was more courageous, outgoing and daring. I wish that I felt more confident about my body and every other imperfection. Some days I feel so damn unpretty and other days I feel like the most beautiful girl in the room. Sometimes I wish I knew how the f*ck I really feel and then there are times when I think I have it all figured out. There are moments when I am comfortable with being alone and other moments I feel so unwanted and lonely. Sometimes I wish I did not feel that the only two men who love me are my father and my son. Sometimes I wish I was not so damn real and maybe that I way I would be a lot further in life.

As much as I hide it sometimes I wish I was not so insecure. I wish I was not so damn cheap to buy internet and that way I would not have to drain my phone battery because I am using hotspot. Sometimes I was I had a different cell phone carrier and that way I would not miss phone calls and I can keep up with my social networking. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t so sexual and I would be okay with this dry spell I am going through. There are times that I wish I wasn’t so vulgar and I could be the little southern belle that I know I am. I wish that men were not so superficial so they can accept my short hair and edgy look. Sometimes I wish I could wrap my hair up in a turban, wear a flowing dress with little to no makeup (I have to fill in my eyebrows though) but still feel like a super model.

Some days I wish that I could drink more classy drinks like wine and fruity cocktails instead of my bubbly ice cold beer. There are times when I wish I did not have good values and self-respect so that I could f*ck my way to the top instead of doing things the right way. Sometimes I wish that I was not so misunderstood and you can understand how the hell I really feel. At times I wish I did not have these stretch marks but I love my son. Sometimes I wish that I was more than just a “baby mama.” Sometimes I wish that my son’s father could relate and feel where the f*ck I am coming from. Sometimes I wish that I could see the good in myself so that I can see the good in others.

One day I hope that how I sometimes feel would disappear and I can accept that everything may not go as planned but I can always face the inevitable and life’s flaws….

With Love,

The Single B*tch