Tag Archives: children

My Fears As A Single Mom

My fears as Single Mom Dating

What I fear the most about being a dating single mom is not having anyone at all. Sometimes I am not sure if it is possible for a woman to have it all. It is almost like you have to sacrifice one thing for another. Being a mother is always my first priority but is it bad that a girl wants a companion too?

I have a pretty normal and for the most part a smooth sailing life. The more I mature I find myself ready to settle down with someone who compliments me. As I have said time and time before I have never been a girl who has dreamed about their wedding day but now more than ever I dream about the one who will make me a lucky woman. Not to mention my six-year old is constantly asking when I am going to be married because he wants a brother. Now let me be clear, I do not think that having a child is holding me back in the love department. I have all of the time that I need to establish a healthy relationship because I have a great support system. I never met a man who did not want to date me because I have a child. In fact I think the fact that I am an INDEPENDENT single mother makes me that more attractive. To be honest I think the fact that I had a child before marriage has my panties all the way in a bunch. I feel the pressure now more than ever.

What frustrates me is how easy it is for men with kids to date. Quite naturally the child will live with the mother so the father has time to live life as is. Besides the couple of days a week that he has his child (or whatever the arrangement may be) his day-to-day is never altered. If an event such as work or something else arises it is always easy for him to call you and say that he cannot see his child. As a mother you have to always have a plan A, B, C and D. You do not have the option to say that you cannot see your child. I am not sure if men understand the word sacrifice. I do not think men consider a lot when inviting another woman into his life when he has a child. I feel that a man does not have the worries that we moms do or even take into consideration certain factors that could affect the mother as well as the child. For example, my son has never met a man who I have dated. As a woman I have to consider who I introduce my child to because he will emulate what he sees. As a father he may not consider that because he feel that a child, particularly a son, will not model after a woman. I also constantly worry if the man who I do marry will love my child as if he was his own. I also worry about if I have other kids will my son feel out-of-place because he does will not have the same father as his future siblings. I do not think that men consider that. I do not think that it is because they do not care but because they just do not think…PERIOD!

I always worry about not being there for my son or consuming my life with other things will make me a bad mother. I always feel guilty when I do other things and I end up wishing I was at home with my son instead. In reality I know that I am a phenomenal mom but I do not want to feel like I am choosing something or someone over him. I fear that making my son the only man that helps me keep my bed warm at night will have me old, gray and alone.

Life for a woman is not always easy. I feel that as a woman, most importantly a mother, it is natural to always sacrifice. But what if the small things that we feel are “unimportant” cause us our soul mate? In some cases our children may not be why we do not have a flexible schedule but it could be because we do not put ourselves in a position to welcome love.

Sincerely,

The Single B*tch

Independent Woman Syndrome

Hi my name is The Single B*tch, first name The Single last name B*tch, and I too suffer from the Independent Woman Syndrome.

If you just take a look around us you can see that the world is constantly changing and evolving. Some changes are good and some may not be but I guess it all depends on who you ask. It seems that people do not adjust well to change especially when it deviates from the norm or what some consider traditional. What seems to be the norm now are women migrating to roles that were once held by men. Women are no longer barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen. Women are now business owners, entrepreneurs, CEOs, the family breadwinners and homeowners. I personally feel that some women are used to doing everything on their own that if a man enters their life they would not know how to let a man be a man. I think some women are so independent to the point where it handicaps them when it comes to love and relationships if you are not willing to compromise. I have heard older women say that a man does not want a woman who they feel they cannot provide for. I disagree…I think that only applies to insecure and weak men.

I have my own home, car, job, money, benefits and I withhold a degree. I also have a child that I help provide for and I purchase my own clothes, shoes and pay my own bills. Since I have become a mother I find myself becoming a bit more controlling, demanding, aggressive and no-nonsense because I feel that I have to be. These characteristics seem to spill over to my romantic relationships as well. I had a guy tell me that some “men” rather have a woman that does not have as much as them because at any point and time she can leave and have any other man that she wants. I thought this was absurd. At times I think I am “too much” for some men but I feel that I do not attract the men that are on the same level as me. But at the same time I have said myself that I cannot picture myself being with a man who makes significantly more than me. I am not sure that I would be comfortable knowing that based on what we bring home it puts us in two different social classes. It is not because I am insecure but because I need to feel that I could stand alone and maintain the same lifestyle if that man would ever leave me. I guess this is where I make a mistake of letting my independent woman syndrome cock block. Maybe it is just me but when I look around I see a lot of women who have their own but seem to be single or are with men who do not have as much. Sometimes I wonder if our independent behavior handicaps the men we are with by making them comfortable with taking a backseat?

So, do you think it is possible to have an actual “power couple”? Do you think that in order for a power couple to exist that the man has to have more wealth than the woman? Do you think that it is possible to have a healthy relationship where the woman is the breadwinner? Do you think that a man of any stature or salary can accept a woman of power?

Yours Truly,

The Single B*tch

Learning to Co-exist while Co-parenting

Some of us do not always have the conventional type of family. Sometimes things happen and both parents cannot be in the same home with their child(ren). It could be because of a divorce, a break-up or the fact that you both were never together. My child’s father and I get along pretty well. I may have some things that I do not like, have issues or disagree with when it comes to just he and I but honestly I could not ask for my child to have a better father. If the only thing that he and I have in common is our child and the only relationship that we have is co-parenting then my only issue is our son and his well-being. Even though I may have thoughts and feelings about other things but I chose to pick my battles wisely and let him be the good parent that I know he is. To sum it all up…I think our situation is damn near perfect but unfortunately it is not the same for others.

I have had some readers send me e-mails and submit questions concerning “baby daddy” and co-parenting issues so I decided to give out some tips based on what works for me and my child’s father. Now keep in mind I am no expert on any topic but if I feel that I am pretty knowledgeable about something then I will throw my opinion out there. . I also understand that not all situations are able to be worked out and need extra time because it takes two to make it work. Below are some things that I think could help improve a situation where parents can learn to co-exist while co-parenting

Let go of the past– It is pretty common for people to hold onto the past to the point where it affects their future. A situation can never progress if you are constantly bringing up the past and holding a person to their mistakes. Baggage is heavy y’all…

Communication is key– I have always said that sometimes is not what you say but how you say it. Learning how to effectively communicate is detrimental. I think it is almost impossible for any type of relationship to survive if there is no good communication. If it is possible I would say text less and call more. Learn how to articulate exactly how you feel. Try not to yell at each other or use profanity. And do not assume what the other will say, think or feel.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.-Respect goes both ways. You cannot demand what you are not willing to provide. I HATE double standards. Do not do something that you would not want your child’s mother/father doing. At the end of the day the other person is a part of your child as well. Try not to bash, talk negatively or be unsupportive of the other. Please realize that if the mother/father of your child is not doing well then that means your child is not either.

Keep things private– It is okay to vent to a close friend every now and then but there is no need to broadcast all of your personal business to anyone who will listen.

Try therapy– This is something that I have been meaning to try myself. I would love for my son’s father and me to do this. Sometimes you may just need to let someone who is unbiased try to help you both understand the other. It also would not hurt to emotionally express yourself and I think it would provide some relief. People can be really hurt and bruised from previous experiences and issues and need help getting through it.

Involve a third party– if you and your child’s parent cannot even stand to look or be around each other try to involve someone else outside the relationship. Let me clarify. If it takes someone to be in the middle that can take the child to the other’s house or help pacify the situation then do so.

Take responsibility– If you have done something that you know was wrong…OWN UP TO IT!!! Do not make up excuses of why you did something just say you did it because you wanted to. Be accountable for your words and actions. Just because you felt like it was right does not mean that it was. We all have made mistakes…just say you did too.

Without any explanation try to remain open minded, understanding, honest, flexible, compromising and remember that your child is not a paycheck. Last but not least…

IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU….ITS ABOUT THE CHILD. DO NOT BE SELFISH!!!!!

Being HIS “Baby Mama”

I can’t express how much I hate the term “baby mama” but to be quite honest if you have never been married and you have a child by someone that is all that you will be referred to as. For me being a baby mama has been one of the hardest titles that I have had to withhold. On this post I am not describing my position as a mother to a child but being the mother of HIS child in relation to the father. As I mature, grow and as I become older I tend to think a lot differently when it comes to being his child’s mother.

Okay so maybe it is just me but being a baby mama has so many negative connotations and views. When thought of most people on the outside probably think we are full of drama, selfish, loud, ungrateful, hateful and bitter and in some cases that is so far from the truth. I have been co-parenting for 6 years and to be real it works when you have two mature adults who know that the child comes first but because the situation may seem amicable and calm does not mean that I am happy. When it comes to being the mother of his child I feel that you come to many obstacles that are seen and unseen. What hurts the most for me is that I sometimes feel that your plight, strength, value and emotions go unnoticed and not taken into consideration. Sometimes I get so tired of always trying to do the right thing or thinking with logic instead of emotions. Sometimes I do not want to be understanding, strong or compromising. Why can I not just give a damn sometimes instead of caring or being concerned. It’s like I am so immune to doing what I have to do and going through the motions that I feel that I can’t feel anything…I have to be numb. I feel that there are so many double standards when being his “baby mama”. It is ok for the man to speak on how he feels and take matters into his own hands because that’s what a man is supposed to do. As a woman if I speak out loud about how I feel or think I am petty, bitter, mad, jealous, a hater or being controlling. I would never hinder anyone from being happy or doing what is best for them but how can I when I think my feelings do not matter? Am I supposed to always just deal with things? While letting things happen is easy for others but for some, like me, it is not. Just because things happen overnight for him does not mean that I have to accept it overnight. It does not always work like that.  I don’t want to just deal with it sometimes and I do not always want to be the bigger person. Now I see why some think it is best to do things “the right way.”

No matter what you call the mother of a child her title should hold more weight. If you happen to be a good “baby mama” you deserve the upmost respect. I love my child more than life itself and I do not regret having him but I regret the situation. If I could do it all over again I would. I have never been a woman to confuse my role, I know where I stand and where I belong. I will never overstep my boundaries but it works both ways. I get tired of just taking it. I don’t want to live by “it is what is.” I want be more than just a title, I want to be known as Whitney a person. I have feelings too, I am not a robot. There are people who have long time boyfriends that they have children with and I think it’s truly a beautiful thing if love is truly the foundation. Different strokes for different folks. For me personally, I would NEVER have a child again without the ring.

This sh*t ain’t easy…

-The Single B*tch