Tag Archives: confidence

What Is Your Defense Mechanism?

We all go through hurt from time to time. Some of us can deal with negative situations better than others. The rest of us just find a way to deal with the pain. Some reactions are innate and others are built and accumulated through time. After situation, relationship, situationship and whatever the hell else, I realized that I have accumulated a little (okay maybe a lot) of debris. To help prevent me from feeling anymore pain I realized that I have developed a defense mechanism.

My defense mechanism is my guard to defend myself against love.

Deep inside I feel a lot of different emotions. Sometimes I cry, laugh, get angry and other times I just let whatever happened roll off my shoulders. So I recently connected with someone I used to date and he told me that I was one of the hardest girls that he has ever met. At first, in a weird way, I took this as a compliment but later on I realized that continuously having a guard up is not healthy. After talking to him I brought this up to a friend and she told me “you have no emotions”. Now for some reason this shocked me. When I sat back and thought about it I realized that they were not the only ones who have said this to me, others have too. I guess my heart grew cold to preserve it from every getting broken again. I was watching Modern Family one day and Phil said that his dad is like a candy that has a hard shell but has a lot of candy inside. I was like “that’s me!!! That explains me perfectly”. But I wonder what it will take to soften my shell to get to the chewiness deep within?

When it comes to love, I should not have to defend myself against it. Love is not the enemy…

Yours Truly,

The Single B*tch

Being Damaged Goods

“You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart. Never really had luck, couldn’t ever figure out how to love…”

When you have been single for a while I wonder if love will come naturally or if it is something you will learn how to do? When you are not familiar with someone loving you or making you feel important it makes you feel like it will never happen to you. After each fail at starting a relationship for some reason I feel that I have a little bit of energy, security and confidence that goes with it. I feel damaged.

” You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever now you’re in the corner tryna put it together…”

Ladies you know how you try on that one banging pair of pants or dress that has your body looking like a playground but you notice that it has a stain, rip or a hole? Well that is how I feel, I feel like a gun with no bullet, or a car with no engine or a bride with no ring. I am beginning to think that it is not possible to have it all. There is nothing more dangerous than a woman scorned. You become angry, bitter and a ticking time bomb and maybe even mad at the world. It is funny because when I decide to date someone it is not him that I do not trust, it is myself that I do not trust. It is not that I feel like I will cheat or can not be honest, it is because it is no gray area with me either I really like you or I do not. I always over analyze and I wonder am I doing too much or maybe I should not do this or maybe I should fall back because I am giving too much of myself. It is easy to want to change yourself because of what you think he will like or because you think that you are the problem. Maybe you are not the problem but the way you think or feel could be an issue and you have to get right within. I must admit, it is hard to feel beautiful or worthy when you are damaged goods. One day maybe you can figure out how to love…


The Single B*tch

Women, Can We Have Sex Like We Wear Our Clothes…Casual?

I am starting to agree with men. I do not think it’s possible for a woman to just have casual sex with a man. As women we are already emotional beings and to engage in such intimacy with a person and not begin to have some type of feelings for him is unheard of. Maybe it is just me but I believe that if a woman can meet a brand new person and have GOOD sex with him and feel nothing must have some type of issues. By issues I mean she is going through some emotional problems at the time. Let me elaborate…

Okay so we already know that these days people are more sexually expressive. In fact I think women are more open minded than men. I remember being younger and people were having “cut buddies.” If you never heard this term before it’s basically someone that you have strictly a sexual relationship with. Now I do believe that we can have sex with someone without commitment but I am starting to believe that you can’t have sex without some type of relationship. Let’s be real for a second, have you ever had enjoyable sex with someone that you do not have a history with, that you are not interested in or you do not have any plans to make something more out of it with? Personally I am in denial with my own thoughts on this topic. One thing is for sure, I could NEVER imagine doing someone that I am not or have not been interested in at some point or time. I was talking to my best friend and we were discussing how if a woman told a man that all she wanted was to bone he wouldn’t respect it like he claims. So then I started thinking, I don’t think I could honestly just be physical without having anything else. Also, like myself, I think some women have it confused. Casual sex, in my mind, does not involve hanging out or conversing it’s just straight boom pow pow and that is it. I think it is time for us to start being honest with ourselves…

We have to really figure out what it is that we want. Now you may be a person who can have sex with someone with no strings attached and believe me I am not judging you. I sometimes think that some of us settle for just being with someone physically because we can’t have what we really want from that person. To be honest in my case it is a defense mechanism so I will not catch feelings. Again, like everything else in life I think you have to be in a certain mind frame to be able to accept and come to a realization. Last but not least women please remember how important it is to be confident and always communicate what it is that you want.

-The Single B*tch

Use It Before You Lose It

If God didn’t give a woman anything else he gave her intuition. Maybe it is just me but it is almost like you know it before it happens but you just need that one tad bit of proof. All it takes is that one gut feeling and we are already on edge. To sum it all up… We ain’t stupid ( well some of us aren’t). The most dumb thing you can do is ignore your initial feeling because 9 times out 10 it is right.

For some women in a relationship they notice the changes in their man and know something is up before the sh*t hits the fan. Well for me my intuition kicks in immediately when I meet a guy. Unfortunately I choose to ignore it at times. Personally I know how it feels to want something that you already know isn’t for you. For the first time in a long time I met a guy that I was extremely attracted to physically and sexually. When I met him, I knew something wasn’t right. It doesn’t mean that he is a bad person but what he had to offer at that time is not parallel to where I am in life. I had all of the signs in front of me such as his inconsistency, what I saw on his social media sites and what others told me. Maybe I am a little silly but I NEVER go by what others say. I like to go by the motto IF I DIDN’T SEE IT, IT DIDN’T HAPPEN! What is kind of crazy is that no matter what I am feeling or even seeing I know I am still going to check it out just to see what will happen.  I really could care less what others think but see I have a big ego and I hate to prove myself wrong. As I am sitting here writing this I am wondering why a lot of women do this (don’t act like you don’t) and I think I somewhat have it figured out…

We women have a natural-born gift of intuition but sometimes I wonder if our gut feeling is being affected by what we hear or see. If we are looking for something we will find it EVERYTIME! Being a woman I have learned that through experience we learn how to recognize patterns. I am beginning to think that listening and letting your intuition guide you has a lot to do with your inner growth. So maybe I have not grown internally and emotionally as I think I have and again that is why I choose to be single at this time. We need to learn how to sometimes mute the selfish desires, especially when we know something is not for us, and comfort so we can find a way to seek the truth

-The Single B*tch

5 Simple Steps that lead to your inner guidance:

1) Take a moment out of your day to spend quiet time alone.  No electronic devices allowed!

2) Now take pen to paper and begin emptying your head. Spontaneously write whatever comes to mind. You’re creating white space. Clearing the path to the door of inner receptivity.

3) Next, put down the pen and spend five minutes in silence.

4) Ask for assistance, answers, guidance — whatever you need.

5) Listen…  Trust…  Follow…

5 simple steps that lead to your inner guidance was quoted from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-ann-darley/mindfulness-practice_b_4551609.html

Releasing Your Inner Goddess

My friends and I were in New Orleans and we decided to get a tarot card reading. When we sat down we were told to pick nine cards. Two of my friends went ahead of me and it was finally my turn. The lady who did my reading (Dawn) told me many things but two things that she said stood out to me. The first thing that she told me was that I need to let go of the past in order to move forward. The second thing that she told me was that I have more strength than I realize. Dawn told me that everyone around me notices how strong I am except me. Normally I am even-tempered and I hate feeling weak or feeling like a situation consumes me  but I become extremely emotional when  I think of how things in my past made me feel. Call me simple, naïve or foolish but I felt like she hit the nail on the head. Maybe she is not the “truth” and what she told me was just confirmation. At the end of our reading she had each of us pull what is called the goddess card.  Almost everyday you hear men referred to as gods or kings but we women are barely called queens or goddesses. We have no one to remind us of not only our outer beauty but our inner beauty as well. So I happened to pull the goddess card of Maeve. Maeve is known to be very magical and withholds much power. Dawn told me ” sweetie you have more magic than you think.” That gave me chills because it was directly correlated to the fact that she said I have more strength than I realize.

Ladies on a daily you need to know that no matter what you are a goddess. We give so much of ourselves to others that we forget to give to ourselves. Always hold your head high and be secure in yourself. Do not let the mistakes or hurt  of the past dictate your future and how you think of yourself. Remember that you are beautiful and deserve the best. Whatever you have experienced that caused some pain is just preparation for what is to come so when you go through it you will come out better than you came in. One last thing, please remember that you have more magic than you think…

“Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
‘Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me. ” -Maya Angelou


The Single B*tch