Tag Archives: hurt

What Is Your Defense Mechanism?

We all go through hurt from time to time. Some of us can deal with negative situations better than others. The rest of us just find a way to deal with the pain. Some reactions are innate and others are built and accumulated through time. After situation, relationship, situationship and whatever the hell else, I realized that I have accumulated a little (okay maybe a lot) of debris. To help prevent me from feeling anymore pain I realized that I have developed a defense mechanism.

My defense mechanism is my guard to defend myself against love.

Deep inside I feel a lot of different emotions. Sometimes I cry, laugh, get angry and other times I just let whatever happened roll off my shoulders. So I recently connected with someone I used to date and he told me that I was one of the hardest girls that he has ever met. At first, in a weird way, I took this as a compliment but later on I realized that continuously having a guard up is not healthy. After talking to him I brought this up to a friend and she told me “you have no emotions”. Now for some reason this shocked me. When I sat back and thought about it I realized that they were not the only ones who have said this to me, others have too. I guess my heart grew cold to preserve it from every getting broken again. I was watching Modern Family one day and Phil said that his dad is like a candy that has a hard shell but has a lot of candy inside. I was like “that’s me!!! That explains me perfectly”. But I wonder what it will take to soften my shell to get to the chewiness deep within?

When it comes to love, I should not have to defend myself against it. Love is not the enemy…

Yours Truly,

The Single B*tch

Hell Yea I am Mad….

There are very few times that I will make bash but today is one of those days. I never understood why men feel like the can do and say stupid sh*t and we women are not supposed to get upset. As women we are naturally emotional beings and we sometimes do not think logically when it comes to decisions with our partner I think that men can sometimes act so selfishly and once they get what they want they expect you to be okay with their decision. What is funny is that men can dish it but cannot take it. They remind me of kids in a way. They feel that they can make a mess and expect you to clean it up or we should understand about what they did. Though we should not harp on our anger but it is okay to admit when you are hurt or mad about a particular situation.

We all go through sh*t and those situations sometimes leave stains. Some women are not as strong emotionally and mentally as others. Personally, I have been through some sh*t and even though I feel that as a person I have grown I find it hard to let some things go. I have been told by a friend that maybe I am afraid to let go because I find comfort in the hurt. After some thought I think that it is true. Sometimes you never really realize that you are mad about something until you come across a trigger. No woman wants to admit that she is bitter but damnit I am here to finally admit that I am a bitter b*tch. Now let me make this clear, as far as everyday life goes I am an easy-going happy person. Even when it comes to love I am easy-going but it is a particular situation that I have that makes me become angry here and there. There is just a huge part of me that I feel is holding me back from progressing because I am still hurt about it. I find it hard to try to face what is bothering me because that means I would have to accept the final outcome. I am just looking forward to the day when I am ready to face my issue head on, deal with it and accept it. I feel that I may never be over it but at least I can learn how to adjust.

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. That alone is a huge step. Do not be afraid to admit that you are hurt or even mad. What does matter is how you handle it and if you let it consume you. Control your problem, do not let it control you

Yours Truly,

The Single B*tch

Just A Reminder…

It is so important to love yourself.

In today’s society it is so easy to get caught up in who you should be, who you want to be, who you think you should be and what others want you to be. As single women we always think that maybe something is wrong with us so then we try to change ourselves into what we think men want. Never forget who you are and in order for someone else to love you, you have to love yourself first.

I learned the hard way that you can never make a man love you. Quit making yourself available to the men who will not make themselves available to you. Please know your worth. Stop putting in full-time energy into a man who only gives you half of that. Never compromise what you want in a man and a relationship just because you do not want to be alone. I rather be alone, horny and happy than be sexually satisfied but still hurting. Remember that sex does not fill a void of real love. Do not ever confuse love and lust.

Do not let your insecurities and many fail attempts at love define you. You are a beautifully, specially designed undefinable creature who deserves everything good in life. When you are not right within it reflects on the outside and can affect your every thought and move. Real love is worth the wait. We all know that Rome was not built in one day and we all are a work in progress. Hurt and pain are sometimes inevitable but you will make it through and you will come out better than how you came in. Allow yourself time to heal and then you will see that finding, molding and developing yourself is the best thing that could have happened to you. Do not be afraid to love again and give yourself a pat on the back for having the courage to start all over. Never give up hope and know that when the queen is ready the king will come.

With Love,

The Single B*tch

I Have to Get Rid of This Load…This Baggage is Heavy

No lie, life is hard and even though there will be good times there will be bad times as well. It is said that a person may forget what you said but they will never forget how you made them feel. This could not be more spot on. When certain life events happen for people it leaves an emotional bruise that seems to never heal and if not taken care of it gets worse. I refer to this as having baggage. When I talk about baggage I am not speaking of your favorite Louis Vuitton duffel bag. I am talking about the emotional hurt and pain that one has endured and never let go of. It’s like dirty laundry that you never wash and you let it pile up. That load of clothes gets so heavy just to pick up and carry.

I never realized I had tons of emotional baggage until I reached a point of self-reflection.

Life happens. I do not expect every day to be perfect and I can take a few storms and bumps along the way. Some things are inevitable. I always viewed myself as an emotionally and mentally strong person. I had gone through a very life changing situation. I was never depressed until that point in my life came about. As soon as things got better I put it behind me because I had to. As I got older and more mature I realized that I had a few things about myself that I needed to change because of that situation. I felt like if I did not I could never move on in any type of relationship in life. I knew that first I had to pin point how I was feeling and then why. Next I knew that I had to find a way to accept what was going on. I also realized that it really was not what happened but who happened. One thing about having baggage is that I realized that it affected many different parts of my life. It is almost like an infection, if not cured it can spread. Where my baggage started at one point in my life it also carried over to my social life, my friendships, being a mother, a daughter and into my professional life at work. It was like I could not function. To be honest I am nowhere near over how I was feeling…I am a work in progress. Sometimes I feel like I will never reach that point of acceptance but what makes me feel better is that I know there is a chance that I will.

Whoever is reading this and you feel like you can relate, please do not let your baggage weigh you down. It is very hard to move on when you are hurting inside and it seems like no one understands. For me stepping outside the situation does not help but standing up in the midst of my problems and facing them head on does. It takes time to heal but along the way you will learn to do a little unpacking at a time, piece by piece…

When I was younger I never understood Erykah Badu “Bag Lady” but know I do…enjoy!

With Love,

The Single B*tch

B*%@H I Have Issues…

“I’m not going to use the B word. I just call y’all unstable creatures.” If you have ever watched the movie Baby Boy you know exactly what I’m talking about. The more I am becoming in touch, or untouched, with my feelings I’m starting to believe that this statement is true. In three days I swear it’s so possible for me to experience six different emotions. One moment I am extremely happy and running through a field of flowers and the next I’m angry and wanting to light some sh*t on fire. In the past year I have been going through some emotional changes and I would like to actually think of it as growing pains. I’m having pains while growing….

I think it comes a point in every woman’s life when you experience a lot of unstable emotions. One minute I want to be in love and the next I don’t even want to be touched. One moment I want to be mentally stimulated and have an intellectual conversation and the next I just want my back blown out and no other words besides “do you have a rubber?” are needed. When I wake up in the morning I could be happy about possibly finding love and staying hopeful because I know it’s out there and by dinner time I want to cry because I am wondering why love hasn’t found me yet. At times I feel in control and empowered and others I feel like I need Iyanla Vanzant to come fix my life. I find myself getting so upset and in an uproar for some of the smallest things. I found myself wanting to slap the hell out of someone because I held the door open for them and they didn’t say “thanks”. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb and ready to explode over nothing at times. When things don’t go my way my attitude becomes horrible and I have a little pouting session. I feel like a little kid who acts out because I want attention and when I get over the feeling of wanting the spotlight and things to go my way I feel ashamed and wrong for how I acted. I’m starting to learn how your mouth and words are a dangerous weapon because when I am hurting I find myself saying hurtful things to others (men in particular). I guess the saying is true…hurt people hurt people. I just want to get it right. I am waiting and ready for the day when I finally have it together. I think that is what hurts the most, the fact that I thought I had it all together then to find out that I don’t. Because of my pain and hurt and the way that I am handling it, I find that it is hard for me to be a good friend. I consider myself a loyal and dependable friend but I am feeling that I haven’t been the best friend lately. To all of my true friends out there I am sorry if you have seen some changes in me and in some way, form or fashion it hurt you too. With my emotions constantly changing I thought I was creeping up on some mental condition until I finally came to this conclusion…

I am approaching a stage in my life where I am at a point of self-reflection. I am now forced to face my mistakes of the past and its consequences, my fears and life’s changes. I now know that some things are inevitable and you cannot run from it. To be real I have some underlying issues. Some issues I have never dealt with and others I didn’t know I had. Because I do not have a grip on what I am experiencing I lash out instead. A lot of my anger stems from the issues I have had with men and how my insecurities got me into situations I had no business being in. The way I deal with guys and the conflicted emotions that I have when it comes to love comes from my past and a place of hurt. Because of the fact that I do not know where I stand and what I really want it reflects when I am interacting with guys. It is easy for me to float from one emotion to the next. I am going through some turbulence right now but soon I will get it right. Right now it all starts and ends with me…

Yours Truly,

The Single B*tch

Being HIS “Baby Mama”

I can’t express how much I hate the term “baby mama” but to be quite honest if you have never been married and you have a child by someone that is all that you will be referred to as. For me being a baby mama has been one of the hardest titles that I have had to withhold. On this post I am not describing my position as a mother to a child but being the mother of HIS child in relation to the father. As I mature, grow and as I become older I tend to think a lot differently when it comes to being his child’s mother.

Okay so maybe it is just me but being a baby mama has so many negative connotations and views. When thought of most people on the outside probably think we are full of drama, selfish, loud, ungrateful, hateful and bitter and in some cases that is so far from the truth. I have been co-parenting for 6 years and to be real it works when you have two mature adults who know that the child comes first but because the situation may seem amicable and calm does not mean that I am happy. When it comes to being the mother of his child I feel that you come to many obstacles that are seen and unseen. What hurts the most for me is that I sometimes feel that your plight, strength, value and emotions go unnoticed and not taken into consideration. Sometimes I get so tired of always trying to do the right thing or thinking with logic instead of emotions. Sometimes I do not want to be understanding, strong or compromising. Why can I not just give a damn sometimes instead of caring or being concerned. It’s like I am so immune to doing what I have to do and going through the motions that I feel that I can’t feel anything…I have to be numb. I feel that there are so many double standards when being his “baby mama”. It is ok for the man to speak on how he feels and take matters into his own hands because that’s what a man is supposed to do. As a woman if I speak out loud about how I feel or think I am petty, bitter, mad, jealous, a hater or being controlling. I would never hinder anyone from being happy or doing what is best for them but how can I when I think my feelings do not matter? Am I supposed to always just deal with things? While letting things happen is easy for others but for some, like me, it is not. Just because things happen overnight for him does not mean that I have to accept it overnight. It does not always work like that.  I don’t want to just deal with it sometimes and I do not always want to be the bigger person. Now I see why some think it is best to do things “the right way.”

No matter what you call the mother of a child her title should hold more weight. If you happen to be a good “baby mama” you deserve the upmost respect. I love my child more than life itself and I do not regret having him but I regret the situation. If I could do it all over again I would. I have never been a woman to confuse my role, I know where I stand and where I belong. I will never overstep my boundaries but it works both ways. I get tired of just taking it. I don’t want to live by “it is what is.” I want be more than just a title, I want to be known as Whitney a person. I have feelings too, I am not a robot. There are people who have long time boyfriends that they have children with and I think it’s truly a beautiful thing if love is truly the foundation. Different strokes for different folks. For me personally, I would NEVER have a child again without the ring.

This sh*t ain’t easy…

-The Single B*tch

 

Charge It To The Game!

I was thinking….as much I think I know men and I know all about love…I do not! I always thought I understood how I felt or understood that men will play games but I am wrong. Where myself, and other women go wrong, is trying to always decipher what a man does or the way he thinks. One thing I can say is that I believe that a man is habitual and once he is yours and you know him you can always figure out his next move. Until he does belong to you, it is one rule you need to follow…CHARGE THAT SH*T TO THE GAME.

I have always been the type that always tried to play the FBI, DEA and the feds when it came to figuring out the who, what, when and why’s of a guy’s actions. But I am learning, it is a waste of time trying to decode one’s thoughts especially if he is not expressing them to you. As I have said before we need to learn how to use our intuition and begin noticing the patterns and get out while you have the chance. To be honest sometimes, well a lot of times, things that happen in a relationship or while dating are totally unpredictable and inevitable. There were times that I have blamed myself when things took the turn for the worse. I would say maybe if I would have called a little later, sooner or not at all maybe he would still be here. I would say maybe if I would have relaxed more and let things happen he would still be here. The truth is he is no more ready five phone calls later than he was when you made that first call or text.

I just need to accept that it is what it is and a man is going to do what he is going to do. As immature as it is some guys just play the game and the field and have a set of guidelines and rules for how they think they can woo a woman or get what they want. You may feel hurt, embarrassed or even fooled but we all make mistakes when it comes to dating but you live and you learn. From now on I am going to let the chips fall where they and I will treat him exactly how he treats me and be 10Xs better at it and not give two damns…NOW CHARGE THAT SH*T TO THE GAME!!!!

-The Single B*tch

Being Damaged Goods

“You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart. Never really had luck, couldn’t ever figure out how to love…”

When you have been single for a while I wonder if love will come naturally or if it is something you will learn how to do? When you are not familiar with someone loving you or making you feel important it makes you feel like it will never happen to you. After each fail at starting a relationship for some reason I feel that I have a little bit of energy, security and confidence that goes with it. I feel damaged.

” You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever now you’re in the corner tryna put it together…”

Ladies you know how you try on that one banging pair of pants or dress that has your body looking like a playground but you notice that it has a stain, rip or a hole? Well that is how I feel, I feel like a gun with no bullet, or a car with no engine or a bride with no ring. I am beginning to think that it is not possible to have it all. There is nothing more dangerous than a woman scorned. You become angry, bitter and a ticking time bomb and maybe even mad at the world. It is funny because when I decide to date someone it is not him that I do not trust, it is myself that I do not trust. It is not that I feel like I will cheat or can not be honest, it is because it is no gray area with me either I really like you or I do not. I always over analyze and I wonder am I doing too much or maybe I should not do this or maybe I should fall back because I am giving too much of myself. It is easy to want to change yourself because of what you think he will like or because you think that you are the problem. Maybe you are not the problem but the way you think or feel could be an issue and you have to get right within. I must admit, it is hard to feel beautiful or worthy when you are damaged goods. One day maybe you can figure out how to love…

Sincerely,

The Single B*tch

Served On The Side

At certain times he calls you, wants to see you and only hangs out with you at the house. Then there are times when it is all about you, you see him multiple times a week, you get gifts, great convo, you are treated like a queen and you get all of the hugs and kisses that a girl can ask for. The funny thing is you are not the only one, in fact you are the other one.

Whether you want to admit it or not we have all been the side chick at least once even if we knew it or not. I am not sure if it is just me but it seems like a lot of guys are taken or have a “situationship.” I would like to think of myself as a very trusting person but I always assume that a guy may or may not have something already going on with someone else. Do not get me wrong, I do not condone being the side chick, but I have been viewing this topic a lot different lately. In this case there is always 4 sides to the story. It is the truth (more than likely what the other girl says), what they guy says, what the other girl says and what or how the main chick feels. So I feel that it goes a little something like this…

There are three different types of side chicks. You have the girl who has the intentions of being promoted to the main girl (which will never happen) and has every intent to break the relationship up. Then you have the girl who gets in where she fits in and just wants to get while the getting is good. Then, poor thing, you have the girl who has no idea in the world. At times I wonder to myself if the side chick who has no intent of being with the guy even counts. Not that it is okay to get involved with a guy who has a girlfriend but I feel that once you start its hard to stop and since a woman is only human she can not help but to get her feelings involved and to tell the truth she just wants to be loved.

So in this situation who holds the most blame? Who is the one who has the most to lose? It is always great to be the entrée but NO ONE wants to be served on the side…