In today’s society it is so easy to get caught up in who you should be, who you want to be, who you think you should be and what others want you to be. As single women we always think that maybe something is wrong with us so then we try to change ourselves into what we think men want. Never forget who you are and in order for someone else to love you, you have to love yourself first.
I learned the hard way that you can never make a man love you. Quit making yourself available to the men who will not make themselves available to you. Please know your worth. Stop putting in full-time energy into a man who only gives you half of that. Never compromise what you want in a man and a relationship just because you do not want to be alone. I rather be alone, horny and happy than be sexually satisfied but still hurting. Remember that sex does not fill a void of real love. Do not ever confuse love and lust.
Do not let your insecurities and many fail attempts at love define you. You are a beautifully, specially designed undefinable creature who deserves everything good in life. When you are not right within it reflects on the outside and can affect your every thought and move. Real love is worth the wait. We all know that Rome was not built in one day and we all are a work in progress. Hurt and pain are sometimes inevitable but you will make it through and you will come out better than how you came in. Allow yourself time to heal and then you will see that finding, molding and developing yourself is the best thing that could have happened to you. Do not be afraid to love again and give yourself a pat on the back for having the courage to start all over. Never give up hope and know that when the queen is ready the king will come.
No lie, life is hard and even though there will be good times there will be bad times as well. It is said that a person may forget what you said but they will never forget how you made them feel. This could not be more spot on. When certain life events happen for people it leaves an emotional bruise that seems to never heal and if not taken care of it gets worse. I refer to this as having baggage. When I talk about baggage I am not speaking of your favorite Louis Vuitton duffel bag. I am talking about the emotional hurt and pain that one has endured and never let go of. It’s like dirty laundry that you never wash and you let it pile up. That load of clothes gets so heavy just to pick up and carry.
I never realized I had tons of emotional baggage until I reached a point of self-reflection.
Life happens. I do not expect every day to be perfect and I can take a few storms and bumps along the way. Some things are inevitable. I always viewed myself as an emotionally and mentally strong person. I had gone through a very life changing situation. I was never depressed until that point in my life came about. As soon as things got better I put it behind me because I had to. As I got older and more mature I realized that I had a few things about myself that I needed to change because of that situation. I felt like if I did not I could never move on in any type of relationship in life. I knew that first I had to pin point how I was feeling and then why. Next I knew that I had to find a way to accept what was going on. I also realized that it really was not what happened but who happened. One thing about having baggage is that I realized that it affected many different parts of my life. It is almost like an infection, if not cured it can spread. Where my baggage started at one point in my life it also carried over to my social life, my friendships, being a mother, a daughter and into my professional life at work. It was like I could not function. To be honest I am nowhere near over how I was feeling…I am a work in progress. Sometimes I feel like I will never reach that point of acceptance but what makes me feel better is that I know there is a chance that I will.
Whoever is reading this and you feel like you can relate, please do not let your baggage weigh you down. It is very hard to move on when you are hurting inside and it seems like no one understands. For me stepping outside the situation does not help but standing up in the midst of my problems and facing them head on does. It takes time to heal but along the way you will learn to do a little unpacking at a time, piece by piece…
When I was younger I never understood Erykah Badu “Bag Lady” but know I do…enjoy!
“I’m not going to use the B word. I just call y’all unstable creatures.” If you have ever watched the movie Baby Boy you know exactly what I’m talking about. The more I am becoming in touch, or untouched, with my feelings I’m starting to believe that this statement is true. In three days I swear it’s so possible for me to experience six different emotions. One moment I am extremely happy and running through a field of flowers and the next I’m angry and wanting to light some sh*t on fire. In the past year I have been going through some emotional changes and I would like to actually think of it as growing pains. I’m having pains while growing….
I think it comes a point in every woman’s life when you experience a lot of unstable emotions. One minute I want to be in love and the next I don’t even want to be touched. One moment I want to be mentally stimulated and have an intellectual conversation and the next I just want my back blown out and no other words besides “do you have a rubber?” are needed. When I wake up in the morning I could be happy about possibly finding love and staying hopeful because I know it’s out there and by dinner time I want to cry because I am wondering why love hasn’t found me yet. At times I feel in control and empowered and others I feel like I need Iyanla Vanzant to come fix my life. I find myself getting so upset and in an uproar for some of the smallest things. I found myself wanting to slap the hell out of someone because I held the door open for them and they didn’t say “thanks”. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb and ready to explode over nothing at times. When things don’t go my way my attitude becomes horrible and I have a little pouting session. I feel like a little kid who acts out because I want attention and when I get over the feeling of wanting the spotlight and things to go my way I feel ashamed and wrong for how I acted. I’m starting to learn how your mouth and words are a dangerous weapon because when I am hurting I find myself saying hurtful things to others (men in particular). I guess the saying is true…hurt people hurt people. I just want to get it right. I am waiting and ready for the day when I finally have it together. I think that is what hurts the most, the fact that I thought I had it all together then to find out that I don’t. Because of my pain and hurt and the way that I am handling it, I find that it is hard for me to be a good friend. I consider myself a loyal and dependable friend but I am feeling that I haven’t been the best friend lately. To all of my true friends out there I am sorry if you have seen some changes in me and in some way, form or fashion it hurt you too. With my emotions constantly changing I thought I was creeping up on some mental condition until I finally came to this conclusion…
I am approaching a stage in my life where I am at a point of self-reflection. I am now forced to face my mistakes of the past and its consequences, my fears and life’s changes. I now know that some things are inevitable and you cannot run from it. To be real I have some underlying issues. Some issues I have never dealt with and others I didn’t know I had. Because I do not have a grip on what I am experiencing I lash out instead. A lot of my anger stems from the issues I have had with men and how my insecurities got me into situations I had no business being in. The way I deal with guys and the conflicted emotions that I have when it comes to love comes from my past and a place of hurt. Because of the fact that I do not know where I stand and what I really want it reflects when I am interacting with guys. It is easy for me to float from one emotion to the next. I am going through some turbulence right now but soon I will get it right. Right now it all starts and ends with me…
I was thinking….as much I think I know men and I know all about love…I do not! I always thought I understood how I felt or understood that men will play games but I am wrong. Where myself, and other women go wrong, is trying to always decipher what a man does or the way he thinks. One thing I can say is that I believe that a man is habitual and once he is yours and you know him you can always figure out his next move. Until he does belong to you, it is one rule you need to follow…CHARGE THAT SH*T TO THE GAME.
I have always been the type that always tried to play the FBI, DEA and the feds when it came to figuring out the who, what, when and why’s of a guy’s actions. But I am learning, it is a waste of time trying to decode one’s thoughts especially if he is not expressing them to you. As I have said before we need to learn how to use our intuition and begin noticing the patterns and get out while you have the chance. To be honest sometimes, well a lot of times, things that happen in a relationship or while dating are totally unpredictable and inevitable. There were times that I have blamed myself when things took the turn for the worse. I would say maybe if I would have called a little later, sooner or not at all maybe he would still be here. I would say maybe if I would have relaxed more and let things happen he would still be here. The truth is he is no more ready five phone calls later than he was when you made that first call or text.
I just need to accept that it is what it is and a man is going to do what he is going to do. As immature as it is some guys just play the game and the field and have a set of guidelines and rules for how they think they can woo a woman or get what they want. You may feel hurt, embarrassed or even fooled but we all make mistakes when it comes to dating but you live and you learn. From now on I am going to let the chips fall where they and I will treat him exactly how he treats me and be 10Xs better at it and not give two damns…NOW CHARGE THAT SH*T TO THE GAME!!!!
-The Single B*tch
In a world full of beautiful people….there will ALWAYS be a fabulous single B*TCH