Sometimes I wish that I was more courageous, outgoing and daring. I wish that I felt more confident about my body and every other imperfection. Some days I feel so damn unpretty and other days I feel like the most beautiful girl in the room. Sometimes I wish I knew how the f*ck I really feel and then there are times when I think I have it all figured out. There are moments when I am comfortable with being alone and other moments I feel so unwanted and lonely. Sometimes I wish I did not feel that the only two men who love me are my father and my son. Sometimes I wish I was not so damn real and maybe that I way I would be a lot further in life.
As much as I hide it sometimes I wish I was not so insecure. I wish I was not so damn cheap to buy internet and that way I would not have to drain my phone battery because I am using hotspot. Sometimes I was I had a different cell phone carrier and that way I would not miss phone calls and I can keep up with my social networking. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t so sexual and I would be okay with this dry spell I am going through. There are times that I wish I wasn’t so vulgar and I could be the little southern belle that I know I am. I wish that men were not so superficial so they can accept my short hair and edgy look. Sometimes I wish I could wrap my hair up in a turban, wear a flowing dress with little to no makeup (I have to fill in my eyebrows though) but still feel like a super model.
Some days I wish that I could drink more classy drinks like wine and fruity cocktails instead of my bubbly ice cold beer. There are times when I wish I did not have good values and self-respect so that I could f*ck my way to the top instead of doing things the right way. Sometimes I wish that I was not so misunderstood and you can understand how the hell I really feel. At times I wish I did not have these stretch marks but I love my son. Sometimes I wish that I was more than just a “baby mama.” Sometimes I wish that my son’s father could relate and feel where the f*ck I am coming from. Sometimes I wish that I could see the good in myself so that I can see the good in others.
One day I hope that how I sometimes feel would disappear and I can accept that everything may not go as planned but I can always face the inevitable and life’s flaws….
No lie, life is hard and even though there will be good times there will be bad times as well. It is said that a person may forget what you said but they will never forget how you made them feel. This could not be more spot on. When certain life events happen for people it leaves an emotional bruise that seems to never heal and if not taken care of it gets worse. I refer to this as having baggage. When I talk about baggage I am not speaking of your favorite Louis Vuitton duffel bag. I am talking about the emotional hurt and pain that one has endured and never let go of. It’s like dirty laundry that you never wash and you let it pile up. That load of clothes gets so heavy just to pick up and carry.
I never realized I had tons of emotional baggage until I reached a point of self-reflection.
Life happens. I do not expect every day to be perfect and I can take a few storms and bumps along the way. Some things are inevitable. I always viewed myself as an emotionally and mentally strong person. I had gone through a very life changing situation. I was never depressed until that point in my life came about. As soon as things got better I put it behind me because I had to. As I got older and more mature I realized that I had a few things about myself that I needed to change because of that situation. I felt like if I did not I could never move on in any type of relationship in life. I knew that first I had to pin point how I was feeling and then why. Next I knew that I had to find a way to accept what was going on. I also realized that it really was not what happened but who happened. One thing about having baggage is that I realized that it affected many different parts of my life. It is almost like an infection, if not cured it can spread. Where my baggage started at one point in my life it also carried over to my social life, my friendships, being a mother, a daughter and into my professional life at work. It was like I could not function. To be honest I am nowhere near over how I was feeling…I am a work in progress. Sometimes I feel like I will never reach that point of acceptance but what makes me feel better is that I know there is a chance that I will.
Whoever is reading this and you feel like you can relate, please do not let your baggage weigh you down. It is very hard to move on when you are hurting inside and it seems like no one understands. For me stepping outside the situation does not help but standing up in the midst of my problems and facing them head on does. It takes time to heal but along the way you will learn to do a little unpacking at a time, piece by piece…
When I was younger I never understood Erykah Badu “Bag Lady” but know I do…enjoy!
The Single B*tch
In a world full of beautiful people….there will ALWAYS be a fabulous single B*TCH