Tag Archives: relationships

What Is Your Defense Mechanism?

We all go through hurt from time to time. Some of us can deal with negative situations better than others. The rest of us just find a way to deal with the pain. Some reactions are innate and others are built and accumulated through time. After situation, relationship, situationship and whatever the hell else, I realized that I have accumulated a little (okay maybe a lot) of debris. To help prevent me from feeling anymore pain I realized that I have developed a defense mechanism.

My defense mechanism is my guard to defend myself against love.

Deep inside I feel a lot of different emotions. Sometimes I cry, laugh, get angry and other times I just let whatever happened roll off my shoulders. So I recently connected with someone I used to date and he told me that I was one of the hardest girls that he has ever met. At first, in a weird way, I took this as a compliment but later on I realized that continuously having a guard up is not healthy. After talking to him I brought this up to a friend and she told me “you have no emotions”. Now for some reason this shocked me. When I sat back and thought about it I realized that they were not the only ones who have said this to me, others have too. I guess my heart grew cold to preserve it from every getting broken again. I was watching Modern Family one day and Phil said that his dad is like a candy that has a hard shell but has a lot of candy inside. I was like “that’s me!!! That explains me perfectly”. But I wonder what it will take to soften my shell to get to the chewiness deep within?

When it comes to love, I should not have to defend myself against it. Love is not the enemy…

Yours Truly,

The Single B*tch

Hell Yea I am Mad….

There are very few times that I will make bash but today is one of those days. I never understood why men feel like the can do and say stupid sh*t and we women are not supposed to get upset. As women we are naturally emotional beings and we sometimes do not think logically when it comes to decisions with our partner I think that men can sometimes act so selfishly and once they get what they want they expect you to be okay with their decision. What is funny is that men can dish it but cannot take it. They remind me of kids in a way. They feel that they can make a mess and expect you to clean it up or we should understand about what they did. Though we should not harp on our anger but it is okay to admit when you are hurt or mad about a particular situation.

We all go through sh*t and those situations sometimes leave stains. Some women are not as strong emotionally and mentally as others. Personally, I have been through some sh*t and even though I feel that as a person I have grown I find it hard to let some things go. I have been told by a friend that maybe I am afraid to let go because I find comfort in the hurt. After some thought I think that it is true. Sometimes you never really realize that you are mad about something until you come across a trigger. No woman wants to admit that she is bitter but damnit I am here to finally admit that I am a bitter b*tch. Now let me make this clear, as far as everyday life goes I am an easy-going happy person. Even when it comes to love I am easy-going but it is a particular situation that I have that makes me become angry here and there. There is just a huge part of me that I feel is holding me back from progressing because I am still hurt about it. I find it hard to try to face what is bothering me because that means I would have to accept the final outcome. I am just looking forward to the day when I am ready to face my issue head on, deal with it and accept it. I feel that I may never be over it but at least I can learn how to adjust.

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. That alone is a huge step. Do not be afraid to admit that you are hurt or even mad. What does matter is how you handle it and if you let it consume you. Control your problem, do not let it control you

Yours Truly,

The Single B*tch

My Fears As A Single Mom

My fears as Single Mom Dating

What I fear the most about being a dating single mom is not having anyone at all. Sometimes I am not sure if it is possible for a woman to have it all. It is almost like you have to sacrifice one thing for another. Being a mother is always my first priority but is it bad that a girl wants a companion too?

I have a pretty normal and for the most part a smooth sailing life. The more I mature I find myself ready to settle down with someone who compliments me. As I have said time and time before I have never been a girl who has dreamed about their wedding day but now more than ever I dream about the one who will make me a lucky woman. Not to mention my six-year old is constantly asking when I am going to be married because he wants a brother. Now let me be clear, I do not think that having a child is holding me back in the love department. I have all of the time that I need to establish a healthy relationship because I have a great support system. I never met a man who did not want to date me because I have a child. In fact I think the fact that I am an INDEPENDENT single mother makes me that more attractive. To be honest I think the fact that I had a child before marriage has my panties all the way in a bunch. I feel the pressure now more than ever.

What frustrates me is how easy it is for men with kids to date. Quite naturally the child will live with the mother so the father has time to live life as is. Besides the couple of days a week that he has his child (or whatever the arrangement may be) his day-to-day is never altered. If an event such as work or something else arises it is always easy for him to call you and say that he cannot see his child. As a mother you have to always have a plan A, B, C and D. You do not have the option to say that you cannot see your child. I am not sure if men understand the word sacrifice. I do not think men consider a lot when inviting another woman into his life when he has a child. I feel that a man does not have the worries that we moms do or even take into consideration certain factors that could affect the mother as well as the child. For example, my son has never met a man who I have dated. As a woman I have to consider who I introduce my child to because he will emulate what he sees. As a father he may not consider that because he feel that a child, particularly a son, will not model after a woman. I also constantly worry if the man who I do marry will love my child as if he was his own. I also worry about if I have other kids will my son feel out-of-place because he does will not have the same father as his future siblings. I do not think that men consider that. I do not think that it is because they do not care but because they just do not think…PERIOD!

I always worry about not being there for my son or consuming my life with other things will make me a bad mother. I always feel guilty when I do other things and I end up wishing I was at home with my son instead. In reality I know that I am a phenomenal mom but I do not want to feel like I am choosing something or someone over him. I fear that making my son the only man that helps me keep my bed warm at night will have me old, gray and alone.

Life for a woman is not always easy. I feel that as a woman, most importantly a mother, it is natural to always sacrifice. But what if the small things that we feel are “unimportant” cause us our soul mate? In some cases our children may not be why we do not have a flexible schedule but it could be because we do not put ourselves in a position to welcome love.

Sincerely,

The Single B*tch

Just A Reminder…

It is so important to love yourself.

In today’s society it is so easy to get caught up in who you should be, who you want to be, who you think you should be and what others want you to be. As single women we always think that maybe something is wrong with us so then we try to change ourselves into what we think men want. Never forget who you are and in order for someone else to love you, you have to love yourself first.

I learned the hard way that you can never make a man love you. Quit making yourself available to the men who will not make themselves available to you. Please know your worth. Stop putting in full-time energy into a man who only gives you half of that. Never compromise what you want in a man and a relationship just because you do not want to be alone. I rather be alone, horny and happy than be sexually satisfied but still hurting. Remember that sex does not fill a void of real love. Do not ever confuse love and lust.

Do not let your insecurities and many fail attempts at love define you. You are a beautifully, specially designed undefinable creature who deserves everything good in life. When you are not right within it reflects on the outside and can affect your every thought and move. Real love is worth the wait. We all know that Rome was not built in one day and we all are a work in progress. Hurt and pain are sometimes inevitable but you will make it through and you will come out better than how you came in. Allow yourself time to heal and then you will see that finding, molding and developing yourself is the best thing that could have happened to you. Do not be afraid to love again and give yourself a pat on the back for having the courage to start all over. Never give up hope and know that when the queen is ready the king will come.

With Love,

The Single B*tch

Don’t Be Fooled…Women Trick Off Too

Normally we hear about men spending or giving money to women or buying them things. A lot of times men will trick off for women who they want the attention of, and in exchange for the woman’s time they will buy them things. Nine times out of ten the man and woman are not together because if they were he would not have to lure her with superficial things. The older I become I realize that we women do it too. In fact I think we do it more often than men do.

For those of you who are not familiar with the term “trick off” it means to give money or material things to someone for their time, affection, attention and in some cases SEX. For decades women have been taking care of men and treating them like their sons. I have seen some women who are caught up in love providing a roof over her “man’s” head, clothing them, feeding them and letting them use their car. Oh and lets be clear MONEY CANNOT BUY YOU TRUE LOVE. Now in this case I am not talking about a leaching ass situation. I am talking about a non-committed, give and take and no strings attached situation where you have met a guy who had sex so good that you were willing to pay bills, buy shoes and cook him breakfast at 8 o’clock in the morning. We have all met a guy who we knew was not worth a damn but we did not care because he satisfied you sexually. Now I am no advocate for supporting a man who does not work but listen if all you want is a play toy and not expecting anything in return then be my guest, I see nothing wrong!

They say p***y is power but I say the penis has some mighty power too. To the ladies who are reading this and disagree or think it is dumb then you probably have never had great wood and I feel bad for you.

Sincerely,

The Single B*tch

I Do Not Know Why We Ignore The Signs

I think it is quite ridiculous how all of the signs of why we should not involve ourselves with someone could be right in front of us but we seem to always ignore them. It is human nature to always want what we cannot have or what is bad for us. When we try to diet we always want something unhealthy. When we try to remain sober we always want a stiff drink (this is a toughy for me). When we try to abstain from sex that is when we are the horniest and all the peen that you once wanted is being thrown at you left and right. Before I leave this Earth I would love to get to the bottom of why we are so intrigued by what is out of our reach.

Now I do not claim to know much about men but I feel that one thing is true…they are habitual! When a man begins to be inconsistent, something is wrong! Let me tell you what happened to me. I started dating this guy that I knew in my childhood and we dated for about 6 months strong. Like everything was right. We saw each other every weekend, if I had car problems he would fix them, he would bring me around his family, we actually went on dates and we communicated pretty well. A little more than half way through the 6 months he would go days without calling me and would say his phone was off. We would also make plans for dates and he would never show or never call back. He did all of those things for months. Right then and there I knew something was wrong but I didn’t want to believe it. It was not until I got a call from his girlfriend who he was with for 5 years, lived out-of-state and was planning on moving to Georgia. I was hurt, appalled and somewhat shocked. But the signs were right in front of my face…

For us women we always fall victim to this issue, and in a way to ourselves, because it seems that we ignore all of the red flags when it comes to men. I seem to always involve myself with men who have too much baggage, a criminal record, not ready for commitment, dishonest or who have some type of situation going on. I try to justify this situation by telling myself that at least I am aware of his faults and what I want out of the situation. But this still does not make it right if you find yourself getting disappointed by the outcome. I do not know if we are just intrigued by the unknown or if it feels good to “sneak” and do something or if we think we can somewhat change the situation. In some ways I believe we do not want to believe it because it will make whatever is wrong true. For some, including myself, it is always easier not knowing. Lord knows my intuition has kicked in more than a few times and I just push it right on to the side. Personally for me I cannot be thrilled with a good time and then say no. I think for so long I have always tried to do the right thing or take extra precautions that I never did what pleased me. What is sad about this all is that we know what we are getting ourselves into but when the walls come tumbling down we act shocked that it happened.

I think it is time we take charge of our lives and feelings and do what is beneficial to us in the long run. We need to take the time out to learn and, most importantly, love ourselves and we will see that soon we can careful about the time we may lose by dealing with someone who is no good.

Sincerely,

The Single B*tch

Independent Woman Syndrome

Hi my name is The Single B*tch, first name The Single last name B*tch, and I too suffer from the Independent Woman Syndrome.

If you just take a look around us you can see that the world is constantly changing and evolving. Some changes are good and some may not be but I guess it all depends on who you ask. It seems that people do not adjust well to change especially when it deviates from the norm or what some consider traditional. What seems to be the norm now are women migrating to roles that were once held by men. Women are no longer barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen. Women are now business owners, entrepreneurs, CEOs, the family breadwinners and homeowners. I personally feel that some women are used to doing everything on their own that if a man enters their life they would not know how to let a man be a man. I think some women are so independent to the point where it handicaps them when it comes to love and relationships if you are not willing to compromise. I have heard older women say that a man does not want a woman who they feel they cannot provide for. I disagree…I think that only applies to insecure and weak men.

I have my own home, car, job, money, benefits and I withhold a degree. I also have a child that I help provide for and I purchase my own clothes, shoes and pay my own bills. Since I have become a mother I find myself becoming a bit more controlling, demanding, aggressive and no-nonsense because I feel that I have to be. These characteristics seem to spill over to my romantic relationships as well. I had a guy tell me that some “men” rather have a woman that does not have as much as them because at any point and time she can leave and have any other man that she wants. I thought this was absurd. At times I think I am “too much” for some men but I feel that I do not attract the men that are on the same level as me. But at the same time I have said myself that I cannot picture myself being with a man who makes significantly more than me. I am not sure that I would be comfortable knowing that based on what we bring home it puts us in two different social classes. It is not because I am insecure but because I need to feel that I could stand alone and maintain the same lifestyle if that man would ever leave me. I guess this is where I make a mistake of letting my independent woman syndrome cock block. Maybe it is just me but when I look around I see a lot of women who have their own but seem to be single or are with men who do not have as much. Sometimes I wonder if our independent behavior handicaps the men we are with by making them comfortable with taking a backseat?

So, do you think it is possible to have an actual “power couple”? Do you think that in order for a power couple to exist that the man has to have more wealth than the woman? Do you think that it is possible to have a healthy relationship where the woman is the breadwinner? Do you think that a man of any stature or salary can accept a woman of power?

Yours Truly,

The Single B*tch

Computer Love or Bust?

When it comes to dating and meeting people the way to do things are constantly changing. Some changes are for the good and some for the bad and the rest is what better suits you. It seems that people of all ages are actually giving online dating….so I must admit I decided to give it a try.

Child I have the worst luck when it comes to dating. I have been known to recycle men. When I say recycle I mean I keep the same guys in rotation to keep from getting some new peen. I think it is sexually safe but it is not good emotionally. I have a pretty healthy social life. I use to go out almost every weekend but now it is more like once or twice a month or just going to the local bar and grabbing a quick drink. So the fact that I do not meet the guys that I desire is quite mind-boggling to me. I had a talk with my daddy and he actually recommended online dating to me. He said that most free sites are usually hookup sites so he referred a well-known paid site to me. I always judge online dating in a negative light. I thought it was for people over 40, creeps, people with weird fetishes and fantasies and for people looking for sex. My phone, along with a certain body part, has been dry and I have been wanting the company of a man so I said what the hell. I tried a free dating site and I lasted only a couple of days. The guys were trash along with their horrible profile names and immature messages so I was quickly turned off. I finally tried a different site and the guys were definitely of a higher quality. Like they say…you get what you pay for so I guess it is safe to say that I am a little excited about where this will take me.

Before there was a Facebook, Instagram and Twitter there were chat lines, Myspace, Blackplanet, yahoo groups, note passing and three-way calling. I always thought that I would meet my future mate at the gas station, in the produce section at the grocery store, in high school, in college or either at the local neighborhood bar. Unfortunately I feel that some people forget about what makes a relationship great or what dating is all about so the way of meeting people and the importance of getting to know someone has changed. If you want something you never had sometimes you have to do the things you have never done.

-The Single B*tch

Functionally Dysfunctional…

Fussing in public, hanging up the phone, cursing each other out, breaking up every other week and headache after headache. It sounds so horrible but at the same time it feels so good. Sounds crazy right? To some people it is normal and that’s functional to them. I have heard some people say that they like organized chaos and for them it’s easy to operate…that’s how I think of dysfunctional relationships that functionally operate.

When I was younger I had a boyfriend that was older than me and to every high school girl it is a dream. Well my dream tuned into a living nightmare. I have never experienced so much mental and emotional abuse. At times it even got physical. What is still baffling to me is the fact that I thought if none of the drama was going on then something was not right. The drama use to drive us, we loved it. Our dysfunction was habitual and in fact quite normal. I was so drained emotionally. As I look back now I think I became a little desensitized.  A little jealousy is normal in relationships but my boyfriend took it to another extreme he became jealous of me. He did not want me hanging with my friends, when I got my first car he did not congratulate me and did not support anything that I did. By that time…I had enough. I was done!  I went to college and saw that there were more men in this world than the “man” I left back at home. I dated guys and there was one in particular that I was crazy about but it was a reason why it didn’t work. The same dysfunction that my ex-boyfriend and I had, I tried that on him…IT DID NOT WORK. That’s when I learned that what I thought was the “new normal” was not normal at all.

Some of us may not notice how previous relationships have shaped our views on current relationships. It could even distort future relationships if we let it. I have learned that it is also important to allow ourselves some breathing room to recover from bad and even sometimes good relationships. It is never okay to expose yourself to so much dysfunction. And it definitely is not okay to lose yourself to the point that you do not even know how to be yourself in a relationship. Never let something so negative become all you know because you will never have the chance to know something else if you do not allow it. It is funny how something so uncomfortable becomes your comfort…

Sincerely,

The Single B*tch

B*%@H I Have Issues…

“I’m not going to use the B word. I just call y’all unstable creatures.” If you have ever watched the movie Baby Boy you know exactly what I’m talking about. The more I am becoming in touch, or untouched, with my feelings I’m starting to believe that this statement is true. In three days I swear it’s so possible for me to experience six different emotions. One moment I am extremely happy and running through a field of flowers and the next I’m angry and wanting to light some sh*t on fire. In the past year I have been going through some emotional changes and I would like to actually think of it as growing pains. I’m having pains while growing….

I think it comes a point in every woman’s life when you experience a lot of unstable emotions. One minute I want to be in love and the next I don’t even want to be touched. One moment I want to be mentally stimulated and have an intellectual conversation and the next I just want my back blown out and no other words besides “do you have a rubber?” are needed. When I wake up in the morning I could be happy about possibly finding love and staying hopeful because I know it’s out there and by dinner time I want to cry because I am wondering why love hasn’t found me yet. At times I feel in control and empowered and others I feel like I need Iyanla Vanzant to come fix my life. I find myself getting so upset and in an uproar for some of the smallest things. I found myself wanting to slap the hell out of someone because I held the door open for them and they didn’t say “thanks”. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb and ready to explode over nothing at times. When things don’t go my way my attitude becomes horrible and I have a little pouting session. I feel like a little kid who acts out because I want attention and when I get over the feeling of wanting the spotlight and things to go my way I feel ashamed and wrong for how I acted. I’m starting to learn how your mouth and words are a dangerous weapon because when I am hurting I find myself saying hurtful things to others (men in particular). I guess the saying is true…hurt people hurt people. I just want to get it right. I am waiting and ready for the day when I finally have it together. I think that is what hurts the most, the fact that I thought I had it all together then to find out that I don’t. Because of my pain and hurt and the way that I am handling it, I find that it is hard for me to be a good friend. I consider myself a loyal and dependable friend but I am feeling that I haven’t been the best friend lately. To all of my true friends out there I am sorry if you have seen some changes in me and in some way, form or fashion it hurt you too. With my emotions constantly changing I thought I was creeping up on some mental condition until I finally came to this conclusion…

I am approaching a stage in my life where I am at a point of self-reflection. I am now forced to face my mistakes of the past and its consequences, my fears and life’s changes. I now know that some things are inevitable and you cannot run from it. To be real I have some underlying issues. Some issues I have never dealt with and others I didn’t know I had. Because I do not have a grip on what I am experiencing I lash out instead. A lot of my anger stems from the issues I have had with men and how my insecurities got me into situations I had no business being in. The way I deal with guys and the conflicted emotions that I have when it comes to love comes from my past and a place of hurt. Because of the fact that I do not know where I stand and what I really want it reflects when I am interacting with guys. It is easy for me to float from one emotion to the next. I am going through some turbulence right now but soon I will get it right. Right now it all starts and ends with me…

Yours Truly,

The Single B*tch