In my previous post growing pains I discussed going through a point in your life of self-reflection and growth. A part of this developmental stage is being alone. In this case I am not just focusing on being alone in reference to a romantic relationship but a relationship with yourself. While growing into who you want to be it is important to utilize this alone time to help make yourself better.
While I was going through self-reflection and growing into a better me I found myself feeling a little anti-social. I am not exactly a social butterfly but I am pretty sociable. I like to go to the bar for a nice cocktail or enjoy a nice summer day party to listen to some great music. Slowly but surely I found myself not wanting to be around people, I didn’t want to pick up my phone or return text messages. At first I thought something was wrong with me like I was going through a depression or something but then I realized that I needed this. I was afraid that I would lose friends but my true friends respected the process. I also found that I was able to notice and observe more and this includes people and things. I also noticed some things in myself that I did not like or that needed improvement. I saw things in some people who made me want to no longer involve myself with them. I thought about some friends that I grew apart from that I wanted to reunite with and I also noticed that some people had a whole lot of things going on that I did not want to add more weight on me. Think about this…when most of your friends call you of course it is natural for them to share with you what they are going through. And even though that is what friends do and naturally you want to listen and help but when you are going through it is too much to handle. Being a loyal and true friend I wanted to lend out advice, give my opinion or just sit there and listen to them vent but I knew that I did not want my process to be interrupted. I soon found out that this…being alone…was the best thing to ever happen to me.
If you too are going through this do not get down. Take one day at a time and learn to listen to yourself and figure out your purpose in the midst of all of this “mess”. If you utilize this time positively and smartly I promise that you will come out bigger and better than before.
The Single B*tch
It is so important to love yourself.
In today’s society it is so easy to get caught up in who you should be, who you want to be, who you think you should be and what others want you to be. As single women we always think that maybe something is wrong with us so then we try to change ourselves into what we think men want. Never forget who you are and in order for someone else to love you, you have to love yourself first.
I learned the hard way that you can never make a man love you. Quit making yourself available to the men who will not make themselves available to you. Please know your worth. Stop putting in full-time energy into a man who only gives you half of that. Never compromise what you want in a man and a relationship just because you do not want to be alone. I rather be alone, horny and happy than be sexually satisfied but still hurting. Remember that sex does not fill a void of real love. Do not ever confuse love and lust.
Do not let your insecurities and many fail attempts at love define you. You are a beautifully, specially designed undefinable creature who deserves everything good in life. When you are not right within it reflects on the outside and can affect your every thought and move. Real love is worth the wait. We all know that Rome was not built in one day and we all are a work in progress. Hurt and pain are sometimes inevitable but you will make it through and you will come out better than how you came in. Allow yourself time to heal and then you will see that finding, molding and developing yourself is the best thing that could have happened to you. Do not be afraid to love again and give yourself a pat on the back for having the courage to start all over. Never give up hope and know that when the queen is ready the king will come.
The Single B*tch
I do not care who you are…dating is not easy at all. I do not believe in following rules but I do believe that there are some things for you to keep in mind and remember while dating. I am no expert on dating but I do believe that I have operating as a single girl in this world down to a science. Here is what keeps me functioning…
It is okay to be selfish. Of course you do not want to be inconsiderate of someone else’s feelings but it is important to put your needs and wants in front of his at times…you are not in a relationship yet!
Do not let loneliness lead you to lust. I am guilty of this time after time. I know it can be so hard to come home to an empty house and you do not have that companion to make you feel good. There have been times I have given a guy a chance that did not even deserve to be in my presence. Wanting and needing something that I am missing has even gotten me into some sticky situations. Some were extremely hard to get out of and some even left deep emotional scars. Do not let being lonely determine how you think of yourself. Honey being alone has even made me find men attractive that do not even deserve a second look. I have even considered trying to “upgrade” a man and Lord knows I am too old to “build-a-man”. Who knew that something that you think can make you feel better makes you feel so bad…
Think outside the box. One reason I found myself missing out on dating opportunities is because I did not want to step outside of my comfort zone. I did not want to believe that other races, ages and men of other backgrounds that I was not use to could not offer me anything. I mean hey…the only thing that could happen is it not working!
Get to know you. Like I said…I am not expert on dating but when it comes to being a single girl I know all of the ropes. One thing that bothers me about some single girls is that fact that they do not know how to feel comfortable alone. It is never okay to feel like you need the company of another to make you feel complete. During this time outside of a relationship get to know what it is that makes you happy. If you always hopping from one man to the next how is it possible to NOT lose yourself??? Date you for a while…it’s okay.
Get real and be honest. Honesty is the key. Before you can be honest with others you have to first be honest with yourself. You have to get down to the “nitty gritty” and figure out what is it that you really want.
Don’t settle for sex. If sex is not what you want then don’t settle for it. Every girl needs their pipes clean every now and then but if you’re just having sex to fill a void do not do it. I have been there and done that and it only hurts…TRUST ME!!!!!
What about your friends? Utilize this time to build your friendships and have fun with your friends. Do not forget about them…you need em’
Do not contradict. If you do not have it all together…do not expect him to. It’s not fair!!!
KNOW YOUR WORTH!!!!!!! No explanation is needed…
The Single B*tch
“I’m not going to use the B word. I just call y’all unstable creatures.” If you have ever watched the movie Baby Boy you know exactly what I’m talking about. The more I am becoming in touch, or untouched, with my feelings I’m starting to believe that this statement is true. In three days I swear it’s so possible for me to experience six different emotions. One moment I am extremely happy and running through a field of flowers and the next I’m angry and wanting to light some sh*t on fire. In the past year I have been going through some emotional changes and I would like to actually think of it as growing pains. I’m having pains while growing….
I think it comes a point in every woman’s life when you experience a lot of unstable emotions. One minute I want to be in love and the next I don’t even want to be touched. One moment I want to be mentally stimulated and have an intellectual conversation and the next I just want my back blown out and no other words besides “do you have a rubber?” are needed. When I wake up in the morning I could be happy about possibly finding love and staying hopeful because I know it’s out there and by dinner time I want to cry because I am wondering why love hasn’t found me yet. At times I feel in control and empowered and others I feel like I need Iyanla Vanzant to come fix my life. I find myself getting so upset and in an uproar for some of the smallest things. I found myself wanting to slap the hell out of someone because I held the door open for them and they didn’t say “thanks”. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb and ready to explode over nothing at times. When things don’t go my way my attitude becomes horrible and I have a little pouting session. I feel like a little kid who acts out because I want attention and when I get over the feeling of wanting the spotlight and things to go my way I feel ashamed and wrong for how I acted. I’m starting to learn how your mouth and words are a dangerous weapon because when I am hurting I find myself saying hurtful things to others (men in particular). I guess the saying is true…hurt people hurt people. I just want to get it right. I am waiting and ready for the day when I finally have it together. I think that is what hurts the most, the fact that I thought I had it all together then to find out that I don’t. Because of my pain and hurt and the way that I am handling it, I find that it is hard for me to be a good friend. I consider myself a loyal and dependable friend but I am feeling that I haven’t been the best friend lately. To all of my true friends out there I am sorry if you have seen some changes in me and in some way, form or fashion it hurt you too. With my emotions constantly changing I thought I was creeping up on some mental condition until I finally came to this conclusion…
I am approaching a stage in my life where I am at a point of self-reflection. I am now forced to face my mistakes of the past and its consequences, my fears and life’s changes. I now know that some things are inevitable and you cannot run from it. To be real I have some underlying issues. Some issues I have never dealt with and others I didn’t know I had. Because I do not have a grip on what I am experiencing I lash out instead. A lot of my anger stems from the issues I have had with men and how my insecurities got me into situations I had no business being in. The way I deal with guys and the conflicted emotions that I have when it comes to love comes from my past and a place of hurt. Because of the fact that I do not know where I stand and what I really want it reflects when I am interacting with guys. It is easy for me to float from one emotion to the next. I am going through some turbulence right now but soon I will get it right. Right now it all starts and ends with me…
The Single B*tch
My friends and I were in New Orleans and we decided to get a tarot card reading. When we sat down we were told to pick nine cards. Two of my friends went ahead of me and it was finally my turn. The lady who did my reading (Dawn) told me many things but two things that she said stood out to me. The first thing that she told me was that I need to let go of the past in order to move forward. The second thing that she told me was that I have more strength than I realize. Dawn told me that everyone around me notices how strong I am except me. Normally I am even-tempered and I hate feeling weak or feeling like a situation consumes me but I become extremely emotional when I think of how things in my past made me feel. Call me simple, naïve or foolish but I felt like she hit the nail on the head. Maybe she is not the “truth” and what she told me was just confirmation. At the end of our reading she had each of us pull what is called the goddess card. Almost everyday you hear men referred to as gods or kings but we women are barely called queens or goddesses. We have no one to remind us of not only our outer beauty but our inner beauty as well. So I happened to pull the goddess card of Maeve. Maeve is known to be very magical and withholds much power. Dawn told me ” sweetie you have more magic than you think.” That gave me chills because it was directly correlated to the fact that she said I have more strength than I realize.
Ladies on a daily you need to know that no matter what you are a goddess. We give so much of ourselves to others that we forget to give to ourselves. Always hold your head high and be secure in yourself. Do not let the mistakes or hurt of the past dictate your future and how you think of yourself. Remember that you are beautiful and deserve the best. Whatever you have experienced that caused some pain is just preparation for what is to come so when you go through it you will come out better than you came in. One last thing, please remember that you have more magic than you think…
“Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
‘Cause I’m a woman
That’s me. ” -Maya Angelou
The Single B*tch